Parenthood and Boundaries--living with Tweenagers

Do you know where your kids are? Unfortunately there are some parents, who don’t, and what makes it worse, they are not concerned about that. It is all well and good to give kids freedom, but with freedom comes responsibility. A concept that seems to be forgotten in today’s society.


I want to know where my kids are; even my adult kids let me know when they leave and usually where they are going when they leave. (Referring to the two that are living here) They let me know, not because they have to, as adults they can do what they want and they are responsible for their own choices. They let me know out of consideration at this point. Chris is always telling me he wants to let me know just in case something happens to him, because you never know what can happen, it’s also one reason why he always says “I love you” when he leaves. He’s lost a lot of friends suddenly and unexpectedly over the last few years, so he understands the concept of anything can happen at anytime.


Now with Carie, (I Love you Sweetie) who is not quite 13 yet, we expect her to tell or ask us if she is going to be going somewhere. She has come to stay with us for a time from Washington. Carie is an awesome young lady, she is smart, funny and very smart, (even though sometimes she doesn’t think so or acts like she isn’t.) Since she has arrived here I have heard from a lot of people what a great kid she is, how friendly and helpful, always happy and smiling. She jumped right into the student ministries at church, volunteering before Impact even started to help with the set up and clean up. Since school has started she is getting pretty much all A’s and B’s, in the majority of her classes. She is great about doing her homework as soon as she gets home and for the most part, (aside from the normal hormonal attitudes sometimes) is a very good kid. (By the way she really hates being referred to as “a kid”…sorry Carie.)


Her dad let her know before she arrived we were probably going to be stricter about certain things than she might be use to. She and I had a conversation before school started about certain boundaries. She told me when she makes friends we probably won’t see her much because she will be gone all the time. I told her I didn’t think so! First of all homework will be done before she goes anywhere. Secondly we want to know where she is and who she is hanging out with. (“Bad company corrupts good character” 1Corinthians 15:33)


The boundaries were set at that time. You don’t leave without asking or letting us know you are leaving, you will not be out after dark, we want to know who your friends are and you will not be spending the night with any friends unless we first meet their parents. The consequences of breaking boundaries were explained. If you leave without asking or letting us know where you are going, you will be grounded. It is not safe for a girl her age (or any teenager) to be out wandering around alone especially after dark. (Of course now she is saying we didn’t have this conversation.)


Last Tuesday one of her friends came over, she asked if they could go outside. I said sure. A few minutes later I went out to see what they were doing and they were NO WHERE to be seen. About a half hour or so later, her friend’s father showed up and wanted to know if his daughter was here. I had to tell him, “I have no idea where the girls are, they left without saying anything”. She had told her dad she would be here when he came by to get her. Needless to say I was not happy and neither was her friend’s father. He told me if he found them he would send Carie home.


I emailed Carie’s dad at work and let him know she had taken off without asking or say anything. He said she is grounded when she gets home and to let him know when she does get home. If it was after dark she was going to be even more grounded!


A little later she came walking through the door. She stopped and just kind of stood there for a second, I guess she was waiting for me to yell at her. I didn’t say anything, so she opens the conversation with “I’m confused”. Apparently her friend’s dad told her she was in trouble before she got home…LOL


SO I calmly told her, “You’re grounded! You left without saying anything about leaving” Her reply to this was, “But I asked you if we could go outside”.


Honestly I was a bit amused that she would really think by feigning confusion or ignorance it would get her out of being grounded.


“You asked if you could go outside, you did not ask if you could leave”, to which she said, “But I asked you if we could go outside, the park is outside”, “Seriously??? Going outside and going to the park are two completely different things! Yes technically the park is ‘outside’ however, you did not ask if you could GO to the park, you asked if you could go “outside”. After a minute of her trying to convince me she did not understand WHY she was in trouble I finally told her, “Look, I am not going to debate or argue the point with you, you are a smart kid, you know the difference between simply going outside and leaving to go to the park, your grounded, end of discussion!”

By the way the park is not just around the corner from our house, it’s not really far but it is also not out our front or backyard. Just saying cuz apparently distance is suppose to make a difference. If I don’t know where you are, distance has nothing to do with it.


Bad things happen and all too often it happens to kids. If she hadn’t come home, I would not have known where to look for her. If something did happen we might not know about it until it was too late to prevent it. Maybe in part, because Christopher lost a friend when he was young I am more aware of the possibilities of something terrible happening.


His parents thought he was home in bed, and the police show up at their door telling them their son is dead. It was a horrible tragic thing to hear their son, who they thought was home, was dead. Yes I know it’s a little different scenario but the concept is the same.


As a parent you cannot always assume nothing will ever happen to your kids! It is foolish to take for granted that when they are gone, they are OK or not in danger. (Which is one reason I pray for all my kids daily) To many parents take for granted their kids are immune to anything bad happening to them, or their kid will always know what to do or make safe choices. I am not saying as parents we should be over protective, however, using some common sense and setting reasonable boundaries are a must with kids! And just a note on this, it is a proven fact based on surveys taken by kids, that kids, even though they complain and get angry, in reality want their parents to set limits and boundaries because it reinforces the idea that their parents care enough about them to set limits.


God expects us as parents to be more concerned with the welfare and training of our children than our own comfort or convenience. The bible has a lot to say about raising kids, and the main point in what He does command us to do involve setting boundaries, setting consequences when those boundaries are crossed and making sure your kids know you love them enough to have rules that are set to protect and teach them to make positive choices. We are also expected to train our children to be responsible for their own actions and choices, not blaming bad choices on situations or other people.


That also includes, like it or not, taking a stand on who your child can and cannot hang out with or be friends with. “Bad company corrupts good character”. (If the Good Lord says it then it is true and we have to pay attention to it.)


In today’s world there seems is this attitude that if you had a bad childhood, or had something tragic happen in your life, you are not responsible for your choices or behavior when they are wrong because, “I can’t help my reaction/actions because it was the way I was raised or because I was hurt in my life”.


This whole blame game began way back in the Garden of Eden. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, Adam blamed God saying “it was the woman you gave me” and Eve blamed the devil, “the serpent deceived me.” That didn’t work for Adam and Eve and it doesn’t work for us, well at least not in God’s eyes. Unfortunately it does seem to work if you are a criminal and claim your environment or your upbringing is the cause of your choices.


We are all responsible for our own choices, and as parents, until your child is 18 you are responsible for their choices to the extent it is your job to teach your child to make good choices and to obey the rules. We have to teach our children that for every action there is a reaction, for every choice there is a consequence good or bad. “What you sow you collect, in other words, if you sow good choices you collect good consequences, if you sow bad choices you collect unpleasant and sometimes even deadly consequences.


We are all expected to obey the laws of the land, if you break the law there are consequences. (Unless of course you get a liberal Judge and ACLU takes your case…just saying.) There has to be respect for authority and if you don’t teach your children this when they are growing up, chances are they will become irresponsible selfish adults who believe they can do whatever they want to whoever they want because it’s their ‘right’. And if something bad happens, well, just blame it on your upbringing or someone else.


Kids make mistakes, we all do. It is part of life; the key is to learn from those mistakes. In order to learn you have to be corrected. If you don’t tell your when child something is wrong how will they learn the difference between right and wrong? And if they know what is right and still choose to do wrong, what does it teach her or him if the wrong does not have consequences? It is the same concept when it comes to other things, a good example is spelling. If you don’t correct your child’s spelling how are they going to learn to spell something the correct way? We all learn by correction, believe me I know, the Lord corrects me all the time when I do something wrong or incorrectly! And I am thankful for that…no really… I am!


This whole foolish ideology, yes I said foolish, that says if you tell a child they have done something wrong or tell them they cannot do something well, or if you correct your kids you are going to damage their self-esteem has done more harm than good!


We have a generation of people who are prideful and arrogant. Believing they are owed something just for being born. Thinking the world revolves around them and that truth is relative to what you choose to believe. A great example is, some of the people who audition for American Idol! Because they have been lied to by family members or friends who didn’t want to “hurt their feelings” they believe they have talent and even when professional music industry people who KNOW talent tell them they are not talented, some contestants get really angry and hateful crying about how the judges don’t know what they are talking about. That is pride! And that shows a complete disservice from their family and/or friends who have chosen to tell these people what they want to hear instead of correcting them in love with the truth.


You can uplift and encourage people you love without doing it by being dishonest. You can and should build up your child to know they are special because God created them to be, that they can do almost anything they put their mind to if they work at it. However not everyone has a talent or can develop a talent for absolutely everything they might want to do. That is just a part of life; each of us has been blessed with different skills, talents and gifts. That does not mean anyone is any better than anyone else it simply means the Lord created each of us to be different. And in the end that is a good thing. So to end “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6


Good or bad training is in the hands of parents! What they learn now they will live as adults.

Our Little Man Is Gettin Big!

One of his new expressions

Gettin ready to walk!

9 Month picture

Loves to clap