What a crazy and confusing five months it's been. I have tried to stop asking God why he allowed Kellen to be taken away, but I still constantly find myself saying when I pray, "Lord I just cannot believe you allowed this to happen".
I am trying to keep my focus on the positive things that have happened in the last few months, of course I see nothing positive in the situation with Kellen, so I have to look at other things.
The fact that Jason is still alive is a BIG positive and something to be thankful for. For all intents and purposes he basically drowned a few weeks ago. The kids all went on a cruise days after Kellen was taken from us. They had to get away and try not to think about what had just happened.
Jason and Sarah were snorkeling in the ocean by Grand Turk and Jason had a seizure. Thank God Sarah saw him because had she not he probably wouldn't be here. When they pulled him out of the water, he was not breathing and Sarah said he was literally blue, blood covering his face. It's a picture she cannot stop from seeing in her mind. They were finally able to resuscitate him, he had to be taken to the hospital on shore because he was not getting enough oxygen.
Sarah was not allowed to leave the ship because she didn't have a passport, so Matt accompanied Jason to the island. I felt so helpless when Sarah managed to call me. She was stuck on the ship, had not heard from Matt and was going to have to continue the rest of the cruise on her own, not even knowing for a little while if Jason was OK. She then had to figure out how to get everything off the ship and to the airport, not knowing when Matt and Jason would be able to come home.
Jason did not have a passport and that ended up being an issue when they released him from the hospital and he and Matt were trying to get back to the USA. But God worked all the details out and in the end they actually ended up landing in Indianapolis about the same time Sarah did so they were able to arrive at home together.
Matt and Jason both said God put people throughout the process into their path to help them get through the process. But for a little over a 24 hour period we were not sure what was going to happen and how they were going to make it home.
Another positive recently is my husband is finally starting to "get it" in regards to our relationship and his relationship with the Lord. I am seeing subtle yet very positive changes in attitude. He even wants to start praying together and spending time every night in the word. It's interesting that this just began to happen over the last week or so.
God also had a hand in the timing of that. Up until the last week I have not even been able to read the bible, opening it up seemed to instead of bringing comfort, brought more and more unanswered questions and frustration. Praying has been difficult because after Kellen was taken I began to feel like my prayers and my faith meant little.
I have always had faith and believed anything is possible. And from the day they found out Kellen's biological father was not dead and had contested the adoption, I stood my ground...telling everyone God would never allow Kellen to be taken away...it was NOT going to happen. And then....it did! I've said this before, but how do you reconcile what you have had faith and believed in so strongly only to have it proven to be a false hope?
I know it is because a whole lot of people are praying for all of us that I am becoming more able to get back into praying, not like I use to but at least it's a start. I still shy away from wanting to read the scriptures that say ask and it will be given or believe and it will happen. (Paraphrasing here). Because we stood on the word and the promises of God and believed them wholeheartedly and still my little Kissy Face is gone.
The kids were told there is a VERY slight chance they could get Kellen back, however Sarah and I both agree it's too painful to even hope for this. I know God is God and he can do absolutely anything he chooses to...the problem is not knowing if this is something he WILL do. I find myself only praying, as far as Kellen is concerned for God to protect him and keep him safe...even that is difficult because the situation my beautiful boy is in right now is not safe nor emotionally healthy for him. Which again raises the questions of why are you allowing this to happen God? It is just all so confusing.
I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and all things work together for good...however right now it is very difficult to see any reason for Kellen being taken or believing it will somehow work together for good.
I never thought anything could happen that would shake my faith the way this has, and the weird thing is I still know God is God, He CAN do anything because He is God! I still know Jesus died for me and is my Lord and Savior. It's the rest I am still struggling to find my way back into completely knowing like I once did and being able to see how God is working in every situation. I don't know if that makes sense but it's difficult to put into words. Good thing God knows my every thought and knows what I mean.
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