Six Months Old Today

You are six months old today! I miss you so much little Kissy Face. Early this morning all I could think about was how we have missed the last month of your life. Experiencing all the firsts you have probably had over this last month. Wondering if you are happy and healthy, are you still confused at not being able to see your wonderful mommy and daddy? Are you safe? Are you crawling yet? I always thought as quickly as you were growing and learning over the first five months you would crawl early also.

I asked God to please keep you safe, to put his arms around you and keep you comforted and loved. I still struggle with God about this whole thing, so unable to believe you are no longer a part of our family.

Your mommy and daddy were so excited and happy when they brought you home. They wanted and still want you more than words can even express. It is so hard for them, coming home to a house that was once filled with your presence, your smell, your noises. Feeling all the time the heartache of your loss. Always, like me, worrying about your safety and your health. Longing to hold you and hug you once again.

Do your birth parents cherish you the way your mommy and daddy do? Do they realize what an amazing gift and blessing you are? Are they putting your well being above all else?

I try to focus on believing that even if we are never allowed to see you again that someday at least when we all get to heaven you will be reunited with us. Even this hope is sometimes hard to hold on to, not knowing how they will raise you. Our prayers for you include that someday you will come to know Jesus as you grow up, that you will become a Godly man. The one thing your mommy and daddy wanted for you, to raise you up to know the Lord and to serve Him some day. Is God even apart of your birth parents lives? Or at least someone in their extended family?

I still keep remembering that last night and morning with you. Holding you, playing with you, cuddling and kissing you knowing you would soon be ripped away from us all. Holding out until the very end for some miracle that would keep you from leaving us. The shock and pain of realizing that miracle was not coming, the confusion of not understanding why God, who brought you into our lives was now allowing you to be taken away.

The horrible pain of seeing your mommy and daddy so distraught and hurting when they put you into that van. Seeing you sleeping in your little car seat then hearing you cry when you woke up as they put you into the van. Not being able to just take you out to comfort and hold you. Knowing there was nothing I could do to ease the unbelievable pain your mommy and daddy were experiencing, feeling that pain myself.

Every day since then missing you, worrying about you, remembering how wonderful and how darn cute you are. Missing your smile and the warmth of your body as we would hold you. Wanting to hope for a miracle, but afraid to even consider the possibility, not wanting to continue to feel that initial loss all over again.

We all love you so much Kellen! No matter how much time may pass we will always love you, always consider you our Kellen. I can't help but hope some how you will remember the first five months of your life, knowing just how much you were cherished and loved by your first family. That maybe some day you find this blog and your mommy's blog and read about how much we love you and how much we all wanted and cherished you. And how devasted we all were at losing you.