Yesterday was not a good day. Just when I thought I was able to stop missing Kellen so much, the pain struck again. It began with the night before, every time I closed my eyes I would see his beautiful face. I could not stop thinking about the last night with him. Holding him close, trying to get him to stop crying. He seemed to sense something was going on. I held him close, bouncing him, rocking him in the big comfy chair in the nursery. All the while thinking about how in the morning he was going to be taken away from our family.
Praying for the Lord to calm him, praying some miracle would happen and in the morning we would hear his birth mom changed her mind and would not be taking him. Instead of putting him in his crib when he did finally fall asleep, I laid him next to me in the bed so I could keep him close for just a little longer. I didn't sleep much that night, hearing his breathing, watching his little face as he slept.
He was not feeling well either. Which added to the concern of his leaving us. Would his birth mom have insurance? Would she take him to the doctor to make sure he would not get worse? How is he going to feel in the morning, being put into a strange car by strange women he had never seen? What is going to go through his little mind when that first day gone, he no longer sees his mommy or daddy, or the rest of the family he had come to know?
Watching Sarah and Matt pack up his things was so hard. Seeing the pain and the tears as they made sure Kellen had all the things he had grown familiar with in his day to day young life. Both of them hesitating to hold him, knowing how hard it was going to be to let go of him. Then watching them hold and hug him, getting him dressed and ready to go...one of the most heartbreaking things I think I will ever have to experience.
Part of me thinks I need to continue keeping a diary of sorts, through blogging about all this throughout the years to come. Maybe someday Kellen will find it, and know his first family and how much we loved him. How much we wanted him and how hard it was to let go of him. His little life affected so many people. Friends of Sarah and Matt who came to visit him, lots of pictures with everyone who had prayed so long and hard for Sarah and Matt to get the child they had wanted for so long. Friends of friends who also came to welcome Kellen home over the first weeks. There are a lot of people who love him. A lot of people who rejoiced when they brought him home. And now many of them also experiencing the pain of his being taken away.
It's almost four weeks now. He left us April 8th, 2010. A date I will never forget. Along with his birthday November 11, 2009. I am sure for years to come we are all going to be thinking about and wondering about him on these dates. It still seems like just yesterday he was taken. The feeling of him in my arms, his laughter, his smile are all still such vivid memories. As painful as that is I don't want to lose that...almost being able to feel him, smell him and hear him.
I see his picture and just want to be able to pick him up. To hug him tight, kiss his little cheeks and neck. Something that always made him smile and squeal. I don't understand why he came into our lives only to be taken away. I have discovered the last couple of days that even though I cannot let go of the love and the pain, I do have to let go of ever being able to know why this happened.
My little Kellen, my grandson, you will always and forever be my grandson regardless. And someday maybe you will find not only this but the blog your mommy began when they brought you home. Maybe someday you will know how special you are, how much your "other" family loved you. We pray for you Kellen, praying you will someday become a man of God. That the Lord will always protect you from all harm, that you will grow up to be healthy and happy. That someday we might see you again. I will continue to write this blog, hoping maybe just maybe you will see it at some point in the future. I love you Kellen, my little Kissy Face!
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