I vividly remember the night Matt and Sarah brought Kellen home from the hospital, from the fist moment I held my little Kissyface the bond was formed. He smiled at me and I was completely in love with the little guy.
I was blessed to be able to spend the first couple weeks of his life with him, and several weeks in between the day he came home and the day they took him back to his birth mom. He was a part of our lives for almost five months. (April 11th he will be five months old.)
I cannot even describe the heartbreak we all felt yesterday when the ladies from the Adoption Agency drove away with my beautiful boy. He is my grandson and in my heart will forever be my grandson. I am thankful his birth mother has decided not to change his first name, especially for Kellen's sake since he already knows his name and looks directly at you when you say it. He knows Sarah and Matt as mommy and daddy. He has in the last few months developed distinct preferences on how he wants to be held, how he falls asleep. He had a routine, loves watching It's A Big World on cable, would spend an hour or more just jumping in his Jumpy seat.
He has the most gorgeous smile, and was beginning to actually laugh. I love the sound of a baby's laugh. Since yesterday we all keep listening to hear him, only to have to face the fact he is no longer here. It's difficult to walk past the nursery only to see his crib empty now. I think I hear him crying, or hear the sound of his little baby jabbering, the sound of his jumpy seat as he bounces....I hear him blowing bubbles and making all the little noises he was learning to make. He discovered his hands and feet recently and would look down with curiosity at his fingers or try to pull his foot up with his hands.
All of this we will no longer have the blessing of experiencing with him as he grows. Unable to watch him crawl or walk for the first time, hearing his first words. I can truly say I have a much clearer understanding of the grief parents who lose a baby to death must feel.
I was very very angry at God when this first happened. I had, as well as others prayed so fervently Kellen would become a permanent member of our family. I truly believed beyond doubt this would never happen...that we would not lose him. The way he came into our lives, being born just hours in between my mom's birthday and my anniversary...so many things seem to say this baby boy was destined to be Matt and Sarah's child, my Grandchild.
When we got the news all I could do was ask God why would you do this? Why are you allowing this to happen, this is wrong. What is the point of praying and having faith only to have that belief so completely crushed? Having to watch my children experience such a deep and horrible pain at losing their son was like a double whammy. God...why...what is the good in any of this...why did you bring this beautiful child into our lives, allow us all to fall so completely in love with him only to allow him to be ripped away? What is the point??? I know you have a plan in this but I don't care...your plan really stinks!
I know all the scriptures that deal with the will of God, and have referenced the book of Job in lots of circumstances, like I said I know God has a plan, however knowing that and having someone tell you this when you are trying so hard to understand what and why something is happening really does not help when you are feeling such a great loss inside. Matt, Jason and I were talking about this the night before they took Kellen. We all know God has a plan in all this, but it in no way means we have to like it.
Matt and Sarah had some awesome brothers and sisters in Christ show up the night before they took Kellen. It was just amazing...they were here as soon as they could get here after hearing the news. Before everyone left they prayed for Sarah and Matt and Kellen. One of the women prayed at the end about how it is OK to be mad at God, he already knows how you are feeling, he understands and he loves us no matter what. It's OK to be open and honest about how you are feeling, talking not only to God but others, being yourself and not holding in those feelings, but acknowledging them and working through them.
That prayer was one of the best things all of us could have heard at that point. My anger has for the most part subsided. Now the grief is hitting full force, but that is part of the process and we will all work through this in time.
Because Matt and Sarah gave pretty much all of the things they have bought for Kellen to his birth mom, including diapers, formula clothes, etc. and because Sarah wrote her a letter telling her how much they love Kellen and believe God has a plan for his life, and because even though Sarah was angry and hurt she still told the mom they would be praying not only for Kellen but for their family, I have a feeling part of all this may have something to do with Kellen's birth parents someday coming to know Christ.
I am sure they did not expect for Matt and Sarah to give them everything they had bought for Kellen, nor expect them to give them all the details of Kellen's preferences and needs over the last few months, and I am pretty sure they did not expect them to say God Bless your family. Even in the midst of all the grief and anger, Matt and Sarah were willing to go over their feelings and show these people the love of Christ.
Like Kellen's other grandmother and I were talking about that morning before they took him, our first "worldly" instinct" would be to give them nothing, why do that when they have taken away our little boy...BUT being a follower of Jesus there are times when we have to move beyond what we feel like doing and do what is out of the ordinary, what Jesus would do, what is the right thing to do in God's eyes.
I am still upset about this part of "God's Plan" and my heart still and probably will for awhile feel as if it will never heal from this awful pain inside. I have to keep telling myself that some day when we all get to heaven I will see Kellen again. I have to believe somehow through all of this God is going to save Kellen's birth family, that even though it is so very difficult knowing I will in all likely hood never again feel Kellen in my arms, be able to kiss his little cheeks, or hear his laugh again...at least we were blessed to have had him in our lives for a time.
In the hours before he left us, every time I held and cuddled him he would look directly into my eyes ...I prayed and asked God to bless him I softly told Kellen... don't forget me little man....know how very much I love you and will never ever stop! And strange as it may sound when he would stare back with his big beautiful eyes it was almost as if he understood.
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