Not so Unshakeable

I am still at a loss as to why God allowed Kellen to be taken away from us, and honestly it has shaken my faith. It's been two weeks today since he was taken away, and it still feels like just yesterday! I have no words to comfort my daughter and son-in-law because I myself am really struggling with trying to understand all this. I do know in talking with my daughter, the last thing she or even I want to hear is, "God has a plan", "Something good will come out of this", or the worse thing "God has something better for you".



We love Kellen more than words can truly express. To say God has something better is like saying Kellen was not good enough for us? He can never be replaced and even though he is no longer in our lives, he will forever in my heart be my grandson. It is very hard to imagine how any good can come of this.


How do you bring comfort to someone who has been through as much heartbreak as my daughter and son-in-law have been through over the last two years of the adoption process? Thinking when Kellen arrived it was all worth the previous pain because he is such a wonderful blessing...then to have him taken away? How do I reconcile my adamant faith through this whole process, never once allowing myself to believe God would ever allow Kellen to be taken away, standing on faith, trusting and believing God wouldn't do that to my daughter, my son-in-law, or the rest of the family. Believing that the way Kellen came into our lives was such a miracle, so many things that fell into place, even his very birth date. All seemed to so clearly say he was destined to be part of our family.


I for one now am afraid to even believe completely in anything I pray for now. I have a hard time praying anything but God's will be done, adding nothing else, not willing to put complete faith that what I pray for will actually be answered. It is hard to put into words the difference in my faith now as compared to before Kellen was ripped away from us.


I know God loves us because Jesus died for us, that is the only thing I "have faith" enough to believe right now. I guess that is at least something. I know God didn't take Kellen away, but He allowed it to happen. I do know God can DO anything, because He is God. My struggle right now is why God didn't do anything to stop us from losing our little Kissy Face boy?


Knowing he is out there, not knowing what kind of parent his birth mom will be to him, not knowing how he is, and knowing we will never see him again, never be able to hug and hold him, to kiss his little cheeks. Never again able to look into those big beautiful dark eyes.


My daughter had a good way to explain this loss. It's like he was kidnapped and we just don't know how or where he is. It is different than losing a child to death. In that case a person at least knows the child is in heaven with Jesus where nothing bad can happen to him. But knowing all the horrible things that could happen to him, being unable to protect him or sheild him from the things, knowing that for awhile at least he is going to be confused and scared, not knowing why the people he came to know as his family is gone, and in their place are strangers.


I do realize his birth mom and dad must love him, because of they did what they needed to do to get him back..however...again...why did they wait five months? It would have been hard to lose him after only a few weeks or a month...but FIVE MONTHS he was a part of our lives and now he is not.


I know as a christian I am suppose to be beyond having these kinds of doubts, or questioning why God would allow something so painful to happen..however...I am not going to pretend "it's all OK" and act as though this has not caused my faith to be completely shaken...that to me is truly being hypocritial! I don't understand..I don't like it. But God is still God and regardless of how I feel I yeild to Him and just hope at some point, He will heal our hurt and help all of us once again be able to have unshakeable faith...but for right now...anything beyond believing in God and Jesus is just not doable for me. So the only thing that I or my daughter can handle hearing right now is just simply that you are praying for us.