It's a week ago today we found out you were leaving our family. Up to the very minute they put you into the van and drove away I held out for a miracle...a miracle that never came.
I still cannot fathom this has happened, I prayed and believed so hard God would not let you be taken away from us. Yet it happened. I have found myself wondering what real good it does to have faith something won't happen or will happen only to see the results be the opposite of what we have so completely trusted and believed in. Believing we have understanding of God's will, yet finding out we were obviously wrong. Questioning every thing we ever believed He was showing each of us...
I cannot stop thinking about how it felt to hold your little body in my arms, so warm and so cuddly. Those big beautiful trusting dark eyes staring back into my own. The sound of your laugh, your cry, the joyful little noises you made as you contentedly bounced away in your jumper. Or the gorgeous smile you blessed us all with every time we talked to you, held you, played with you.
I close my eyes and see you that last night before you were torn from our arms and our hearts. It was like you knew something was wrong. You were always such a calm baby, yet that night seemed to be unhappy. I remember holding you and rocking you, trying to comfort your cries. Sitting in the big soft chair in your nursery. Praying and crying, asking God to please calm you, asking God to please not let this happen. Yet no amount of hoping or believing stopped them from taking you.
Seeing the pain in your mommy and daddy's eyes as they packed your things, wanting to make sure you had something familiar with you in your new home, being with people you don't know, being in surroundings you would be so unfamiliar with.
Seeing in their eyes, and feeling in my own heart, fear of not knowing what your future holds, not knowing what kind of parent your birth mom will be, fear of what your little mind is thinking, the confusion of being taken away from your mommy and daddy and the home you have spent the first five months of your little life in. Not knowing the strangers who will soon have you in their arms. I'm sure the woman who gave birth to you loves you, but it is so hard to imagine anyone loving you as much as we do, as I do!
I find myself weeping when I think of the confusion you must have felt that day and may be possibly feeling still. They say babies bond within the first three months of life, learning who mommy and daddy are, recognizing faces and voices. You were a part of our lives for five months, that bond was there and that is the thing that causes some of the most heartbreaking pain. Not knowing how you are, not being able to comfort you or hold you.
My heart breaks for your mommy and daddy. I know the pain I feel at losing you, I can only imagine the extent of it within their hearts. Having had you in their lives 24/7 for so many months. They wanted you so desperately Kissy Face...went through so much pain and disappointment before they brought you home...you were our miracle baby. To have such a blessing ripped away makes no sense.
I want so much to believe somehow you will remember us, and know just how loved you were, how special you are little one! I want to believe your birth mom and her family will cherish you the way your mommy, daddy and the rest of us do. Never taking for granted even a minute of their time with you.
I still keep remembering the night they brought you home...so little and so precious. They say newborns don't really smile but when they put you in my arms to hold you the first time you looked into my eyes and smiled at me. You smiled a lot those first two weeks, at me, at your mommy and daddy. You were such a happy baby. I felt so unbelievably blessed to have been apart of your first couple weeks at home. Yet now I sometimes think maybe it would not be so hard today had I not been there when you came home.
I love you so much Kellen Alexander...and you will now and forever be my grandson...my little Kissy Face. I see your pictures and all I want to do is kiss those little cheeks! I keep watching the videos over and over of you in your jumper, smiling and talking, in your PacknPlay smiling and reaching for whatever catches your eye or just chillin on the couch.
I foolishly thought once I came home it would be easier, yet even here I still so vividly hear you blowing bubbles, crying as you are waking up from a nap, the jabbering and the noises you were daily trying to imitate. I thought I could trick my mind into believing things are still as they were.
You are simply home with your mommy and daddy and soon I will get to see new pictures and videos your mommy always put up on FaceBook regularly. I will get to come visit you again soon...but reality refuses to go away...insisting on crashing in on my heart...reminding me you are gone...no more pictures...no more videos.
I find myself thinking maybe your birth mom will decide she can't take care of you, maybe your mommy and daddy will get a call saying they want to give you back...it is a thought I have to fight off - a hope I cannot allow myself to hope. I hoped for so long you would not be going anywhere and it was a hope that lead to heartbreak beyond imagine.
I still believe in God, I still believe Jesus died for my sins. I still believe God is the creator of all things, but it's different now. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly have faith that believes no matter what. I had that for the last five months and you were still taken from us. I have no answers, no understanding how any good will come of this. All I have right now is hurt! Hurt at losing you my beautiful grandson and hurt seeing your mommy and daddy in such horrible emotional pain....pain I can do nothing to ease for them.
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