When they first took Kellen away we believed he would be cared for, that the confusion he must have felt would be relieved over time. However, now we find out his mom is living in a Shelter, she cannot keep him at night time so he is being shuffled from her to his birth dad at night, who has told "mom" the situation is not working out because of his job.
Kellen was sick the day they took him and they still have not taken him to the doctor! "Dad' refuses to sign release papers so "mom" can do the right thing and allow him to return to his mommy and daddy. The guy did not show up for the hearing that was scheduled, and the Judge who in the past kept giving this guy chance after chance, has once again rescheduled another hearing.
Apparently just having positive DNA results does not mean parental rights are automatically given. If this guy wants Kellen he has to seek custody from his mom. Yet he did not show up in court.
So now our beautiful boy is stuck in a situation that is not healthy and is most likely causing him even more confusion and stress. Totally not fair for a five month old baby to have to deal with, especially after having spent those first five months in a stable, safe and loving home!
I understand a parent wanting to keep their child, but I do not understand being so incredibly selfish as to want to keep a child when you cannot care for that child. To take him away from a family who can and will for the rest of his life provide the things he needs, especially the love and stability of a real home.
Supposedly "mom" always wanted to follow through with the adoption because she knew she could not care for him, yet his birth dad, who is not even in a relationship with "mom" refuses to allow that to happen! I don't know if it is pride or just arrogance that is keeping this man from allowing his son to have a good and safe life, but I can say for sure it is pure selfishness!
To not put the welfare of a child ahead of what you want is not what being a parent is about. If you truly love your child you want the best possible life for that child. To deny any child that is not love!
I don't know why God allowed or is allowing this to happen. We have been praying for Kellen that God would keep him safe and loved, we were beginning to accept his loss...and now...the roller coaster ride is not over but has been restarted! Knowing our beautiful boy is not really safe, knowing he is not in a stable loving home not only hurts...but scares the hell out of us! And unfortunately Sarah and Matt can do nothing about it at this point!
It is too hard to hope this will lead to Kellen being returned to Sarah and Matt and our family. For the last few weeks I have denied myself to even hope somehow Kellen would come home! Telling myself each time that thought would pop up, "No, do not even think that way, it will never happen and to hope it will is just false hope." When I got the call yesterday from Matt telling me what his going on, there was a glimmer of hope, yet logically my head is telling me again.. "NO, do not allow that idea to get in, because should it not happen, that grieving process with just start all over again". Only this time, knowing Kellen is not being properly taken care of makes it even worse.
There is another hearing scheduled for May 17th. Only God knows what is going to happen. For now all we can do is try to just keep moving forward, praying for Kellen to be OK and hoping that at least my little Kissy Face will not be harmed emotionally or even physically because of the selfishness of his biological father's choices.
Yesterday was not a good day. Just when I thought I was able to stop missing Kellen so much, the pain struck again. It began with the night before, every time I closed my eyes I would see his beautiful face. I could not stop thinking about the last night with him. Holding him close, trying to get him to stop crying. He seemed to sense something was going on. I held him close, bouncing him, rocking him in the big comfy chair in the nursery. All the while thinking about how in the morning he was going to be taken away from our family.
Praying for the Lord to calm him, praying some miracle would happen and in the morning we would hear his birth mom changed her mind and would not be taking him. Instead of putting him in his crib when he did finally fall asleep, I laid him next to me in the bed so I could keep him close for just a little longer. I didn't sleep much that night, hearing his breathing, watching his little face as he slept.
He was not feeling well either. Which added to the concern of his leaving us. Would his birth mom have insurance? Would she take him to the doctor to make sure he would not get worse? How is he going to feel in the morning, being put into a strange car by strange women he had never seen? What is going to go through his little mind when that first day gone, he no longer sees his mommy or daddy, or the rest of the family he had come to know?
Watching Sarah and Matt pack up his things was so hard. Seeing the pain and the tears as they made sure Kellen had all the things he had grown familiar with in his day to day young life. Both of them hesitating to hold him, knowing how hard it was going to be to let go of him. Then watching them hold and hug him, getting him dressed and ready to go...one of the most heartbreaking things I think I will ever have to experience.
Part of me thinks I need to continue keeping a diary of sorts, through blogging about all this throughout the years to come. Maybe someday Kellen will find it, and know his first family and how much we loved him. How much we wanted him and how hard it was to let go of him. His little life affected so many people. Friends of Sarah and Matt who came to visit him, lots of pictures with everyone who had prayed so long and hard for Sarah and Matt to get the child they had wanted for so long. Friends of friends who also came to welcome Kellen home over the first weeks. There are a lot of people who love him. A lot of people who rejoiced when they brought him home. And now many of them also experiencing the pain of his being taken away.
It's almost four weeks now. He left us April 8th, 2010. A date I will never forget. Along with his birthday November 11, 2009. I am sure for years to come we are all going to be thinking about and wondering about him on these dates. It still seems like just yesterday he was taken. The feeling of him in my arms, his laughter, his smile are all still such vivid memories. As painful as that is I don't want to lose that...almost being able to feel him, smell him and hear him.
I see his picture and just want to be able to pick him up. To hug him tight, kiss his little cheeks and neck. Something that always made him smile and squeal. I don't understand why he came into our lives only to be taken away. I have discovered the last couple of days that even though I cannot let go of the love and the pain, I do have to let go of ever being able to know why this happened.
My little Kellen, my grandson, you will always and forever be my grandson regardless. And someday maybe you will find not only this but the blog your mommy began when they brought you home. Maybe someday you will know how special you are, how much your "other" family loved you. We pray for you Kellen, praying you will someday become a man of God. That the Lord will always protect you from all harm, that you will grow up to be healthy and happy. That someday we might see you again. I will continue to write this blog, hoping maybe just maybe you will see it at some point in the future. I love you Kellen, my little Kissy Face!
I am still at a loss as to why God allowed Kellen to be taken away from us, and honestly it has shaken my faith. It's been two weeks today since he was taken away, and it still feels like just yesterday! I have no words to comfort my daughter and son-in-law because I myself am really struggling with trying to understand all this. I do know in talking with my daughter, the last thing she or even I want to hear is, "God has a plan", "Something good will come out of this", or the worse thing "God has something better for you".
We love Kellen more than words can truly express. To say God has something better is like saying Kellen was not good enough for us? He can never be replaced and even though he is no longer in our lives, he will forever in my heart be my grandson. It is very hard to imagine how any good can come of this.
How do you bring comfort to someone who has been through as much heartbreak as my daughter and son-in-law have been through over the last two years of the adoption process? Thinking when Kellen arrived it was all worth the previous pain because he is such a wonderful blessing...then to have him taken away? How do I reconcile my adamant faith through this whole process, never once allowing myself to believe God would ever allow Kellen to be taken away, standing on faith, trusting and believing God wouldn't do that to my daughter, my son-in-law, or the rest of the family. Believing that the way Kellen came into our lives was such a miracle, so many things that fell into place, even his very birth date. All seemed to so clearly say he was destined to be part of our family.
I for one now am afraid to even believe completely in anything I pray for now. I have a hard time praying anything but God's will be done, adding nothing else, not willing to put complete faith that what I pray for will actually be answered. It is hard to put into words the difference in my faith now as compared to before Kellen was ripped away from us.
I know God loves us because Jesus died for us, that is the only thing I "have faith" enough to believe right now. I guess that is at least something. I know God didn't take Kellen away, but He allowed it to happen. I do know God can DO anything, because He is God. My struggle right now is why God didn't do anything to stop us from losing our little Kissy Face boy?
Knowing he is out there, not knowing what kind of parent his birth mom will be to him, not knowing how he is, and knowing we will never see him again, never be able to hug and hold him, to kiss his little cheeks. Never again able to look into those big beautiful dark eyes.
My daughter had a good way to explain this loss. It's like he was kidnapped and we just don't know how or where he is. It is different than losing a child to death. In that case a person at least knows the child is in heaven with Jesus where nothing bad can happen to him. But knowing all the horrible things that could happen to him, being unable to protect him or sheild him from the things, knowing that for awhile at least he is going to be confused and scared, not knowing why the people he came to know as his family is gone, and in their place are strangers.
I do realize his birth mom and dad must love him, because of they did what they needed to do to get him back..however...again...why did they wait five months? It would have been hard to lose him after only a few weeks or a month...but FIVE MONTHS he was a part of our lives and now he is not.
I know as a christian I am suppose to be beyond having these kinds of doubts, or questioning why God would allow something so painful to happen..however...I am not going to pretend "it's all OK" and act as though this has not caused my faith to be completely shaken...that to me is truly being hypocritial! I don't understand..I don't like it. But God is still God and regardless of how I feel I yeild to Him and just hope at some point, He will heal our hurt and help all of us once again be able to have unshakeable faith...but for right now...anything beyond believing in God and Jesus is just not doable for me. So the only thing that I or my daughter can handle hearing right now is just simply that you are praying for us.
My Sweet Kellen,
It's a week ago today we found out you were leaving our family. Up to the very minute they put you into the van and drove away I held out for a miracle...a miracle that never came.
I still cannot fathom this has happened, I prayed and believed so hard God would not let you be taken away from us. Yet it happened. I have found myself wondering what real good it does to have faith something won't happen or will happen only to see the results be the opposite of what we have so completely trusted and believed in. Believing we have understanding of God's will, yet finding out we were obviously wrong. Questioning every thing we ever believed He was showing each of us...
I cannot stop thinking about how it felt to hold your little body in my arms, so warm and so cuddly. Those big beautiful trusting dark eyes staring back into my own. The sound of your laugh, your cry, the joyful little noises you made as you contentedly bounced away in your jumper. Or the gorgeous smile you blessed us all with every time we talked to you, held you, played with you.
I close my eyes and see you that last night before you were torn from our arms and our hearts. It was like you knew something was wrong. You were always such a calm baby, yet that night seemed to be unhappy. I remember holding you and rocking you, trying to comfort your cries. Sitting in the big soft chair in your nursery. Praying and crying, asking God to please calm you, asking God to please not let this happen. Yet no amount of hoping or believing stopped them from taking you.
Seeing the pain in your mommy and daddy's eyes as they packed your things, wanting to make sure you had something familiar with you in your new home, being with people you don't know, being in surroundings you would be so unfamiliar with.
Seeing in their eyes, and feeling in my own heart, fear of not knowing what your future holds, not knowing what kind of parent your birth mom will be, fear of what your little mind is thinking, the confusion of being taken away from your mommy and daddy and the home you have spent the first five months of your little life in. Not knowing the strangers who will soon have you in their arms. I'm sure the woman who gave birth to you loves you, but it is so hard to imagine anyone loving you as much as we do, as I do!
I find myself weeping when I think of the confusion you must have felt that day and may be possibly feeling still. They say babies bond within the first three months of life, learning who mommy and daddy are, recognizing faces and voices. You were a part of our lives for five months, that bond was there and that is the thing that causes some of the most heartbreaking pain. Not knowing how you are, not being able to comfort you or hold you.
My heart breaks for your mommy and daddy. I know the pain I feel at losing you, I can only imagine the extent of it within their hearts. Having had you in their lives 24/7 for so many months. They wanted you so desperately Kissy Face...went through so much pain and disappointment before they brought you home...you were our miracle baby. To have such a blessing ripped away makes no sense.
I want so much to believe somehow you will remember us, and know just how loved you were, how special you are little one! I want to believe your birth mom and her family will cherish you the way your mommy, daddy and the rest of us do. Never taking for granted even a minute of their time with you.
I still keep remembering the night they brought you home...so little and so precious. They say newborns don't really smile but when they put you in my arms to hold you the first time you looked into my eyes and smiled at me. You smiled a lot those first two weeks, at me, at your mommy and daddy. You were such a happy baby. I felt so unbelievably blessed to have been apart of your first couple weeks at home. Yet now I sometimes think maybe it would not be so hard today had I not been there when you came home.
I love you so much Kellen Alexander...and you will now and forever be my grandson...my little Kissy Face. I see your pictures and all I want to do is kiss those little cheeks! I keep watching the videos over and over of you in your jumper, smiling and talking, in your PacknPlay smiling and reaching for whatever catches your eye or just chillin on the couch.
I foolishly thought once I came home it would be easier, yet even here I still so vividly hear you blowing bubbles, crying as you are waking up from a nap, the jabbering and the noises you were daily trying to imitate. I thought I could trick my mind into believing things are still as they were.
You are simply home with your mommy and daddy and soon I will get to see new pictures and videos your mommy always put up on FaceBook regularly. I will get to come visit you again soon...but reality refuses to go away...insisting on crashing in on my heart...reminding me you are gone...no more pictures...no more videos.
I find myself thinking maybe your birth mom will decide she can't take care of you, maybe your mommy and daddy will get a call saying they want to give you back...it is a thought I have to fight off - a hope I cannot allow myself to hope. I hoped for so long you would not be going anywhere and it was a hope that lead to heartbreak beyond imagine.
I still believe in God, I still believe Jesus died for my sins. I still believe God is the creator of all things, but it's different now. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly have faith that believes no matter what. I had that for the last five months and you were still taken from us. I have no answers, no understanding how any good will come of this. All I have right now is hurt! Hurt at losing you my beautiful grandson and hurt seeing your mommy and daddy in such horrible emotional pain....pain I can do nothing to ease for them.
I vividly remember the night Matt and Sarah brought Kellen home from the hospital, from the fist moment I held my little Kissyface the bond was formed. He smiled at me and I was completely in love with the little guy.
I was blessed to be able to spend the first couple weeks of his life with him, and several weeks in between the day he came home and the day they took him back to his birth mom. He was a part of our lives for almost five months. (April 11th he will be five months old.)
I cannot even describe the heartbreak we all felt yesterday when the ladies from the Adoption Agency drove away with my beautiful boy. He is my grandson and in my heart will forever be my grandson. I am thankful his birth mother has decided not to change his first name, especially for Kellen's sake since he already knows his name and looks directly at you when you say it. He knows Sarah and Matt as mommy and daddy. He has in the last few months developed distinct preferences on how he wants to be held, how he falls asleep. He had a routine, loves watching It's A Big World on cable, would spend an hour or more just jumping in his Jumpy seat.
He has the most gorgeous smile, and was beginning to actually laugh. I love the sound of a baby's laugh. Since yesterday we all keep listening to hear him, only to have to face the fact he is no longer here. It's difficult to walk past the nursery only to see his crib empty now. I think I hear him crying, or hear the sound of his little baby jabbering, the sound of his jumpy seat as he bounces....I hear him blowing bubbles and making all the little noises he was learning to make. He discovered his hands and feet recently and would look down with curiosity at his fingers or try to pull his foot up with his hands.
All of this we will no longer have the blessing of experiencing with him as he grows. Unable to watch him crawl or walk for the first time, hearing his first words. I can truly say I have a much clearer understanding of the grief parents who lose a baby to death must feel.
I was very very angry at God when this first happened. I had, as well as others prayed so fervently Kellen would become a permanent member of our family. I truly believed beyond doubt this would never happen...that we would not lose him. The way he came into our lives, being born just hours in between my mom's birthday and my anniversary...so many things seem to say this baby boy was destined to be Matt and Sarah's child, my Grandchild.
When we got the news all I could do was ask God why would you do this? Why are you allowing this to happen, this is wrong. What is the point of praying and having faith only to have that belief so completely crushed? Having to watch my children experience such a deep and horrible pain at losing their son was like a double whammy. God...why...what is the good in any of this...why did you bring this beautiful child into our lives, allow us all to fall so completely in love with him only to allow him to be ripped away? What is the point??? I know you have a plan in this but I don't care...your plan really stinks!
I know all the scriptures that deal with the will of God, and have referenced the book of Job in lots of circumstances, like I said I know God has a plan, however knowing that and having someone tell you this when you are trying so hard to understand what and why something is happening really does not help when you are feeling such a great loss inside. Matt, Jason and I were talking about this the night before they took Kellen. We all know God has a plan in all this, but it in no way means we have to like it.
Matt and Sarah had some awesome brothers and sisters in Christ show up the night before they took Kellen. It was just amazing...they were here as soon as they could get here after hearing the news. Before everyone left they prayed for Sarah and Matt and Kellen. One of the women prayed at the end about how it is OK to be mad at God, he already knows how you are feeling, he understands and he loves us no matter what. It's OK to be open and honest about how you are feeling, talking not only to God but others, being yourself and not holding in those feelings, but acknowledging them and working through them.
That prayer was one of the best things all of us could have heard at that point. My anger has for the most part subsided. Now the grief is hitting full force, but that is part of the process and we will all work through this in time.
Because Matt and Sarah gave pretty much all of the things they have bought for Kellen to his birth mom, including diapers, formula clothes, etc. and because Sarah wrote her a letter telling her how much they love Kellen and believe God has a plan for his life, and because even though Sarah was angry and hurt she still told the mom they would be praying not only for Kellen but for their family, I have a feeling part of all this may have something to do with Kellen's birth parents someday coming to know Christ.
I am sure they did not expect for Matt and Sarah to give them everything they had bought for Kellen, nor expect them to give them all the details of Kellen's preferences and needs over the last few months, and I am pretty sure they did not expect them to say God Bless your family. Even in the midst of all the grief and anger, Matt and Sarah were willing to go over their feelings and show these people the love of Christ.
Like Kellen's other grandmother and I were talking about that morning before they took him, our first "worldly" instinct" would be to give them nothing, why do that when they have taken away our little boy...BUT being a follower of Jesus there are times when we have to move beyond what we feel like doing and do what is out of the ordinary, what Jesus would do, what is the right thing to do in God's eyes.
I am still upset about this part of "God's Plan" and my heart still and probably will for awhile feel as if it will never heal from this awful pain inside. I have to keep telling myself that some day when we all get to heaven I will see Kellen again. I have to believe somehow through all of this God is going to save Kellen's birth family, that even though it is so very difficult knowing I will in all likely hood never again feel Kellen in my arms, be able to kiss his little cheeks, or hear his laugh again...at least we were blessed to have had him in our lives for a time.
In the hours before he left us, every time I held and cuddled him he would look directly into my eyes ...I prayed and asked God to bless him I softly told Kellen... don't forget me little man....know how very much I love you and will never ever stop! And strange as it may sound when he would stare back with his big beautiful eyes it was almost as if he understood.
