Kellen's First Birthday!



Not sure what to do at first







He figured it out!

 It is so hard to believe our little man is a year old already. The time has flown by so quickly! He has become quite the little character. Full of smiles and good humor. He likes to give kisses, which I absolutely love! He's been walkin for a few weeks now and gets around pretty good. I can't wait until he starts talking.

When Kellen gets older he is going to realize just how special and how loved he truly is. There were almost 100 people at his first birthday party. Family and all those who prayed for him before the adoption process was completed. Prayed and hurt during that month of his being taken, when we all believed he was lost to us. Not knowing how he was, how he was going to grow up and feeling so confused that the Lord would have allowed that whole situation to happen as it did.

But God had a plan and I for one am very thankful things turned out the way they did, even though that month he was gone was beyond horrible. That pain and sorry turned to unspeakable joy the day he was returned to his mommy and daddy. "Joy comes in the morning".

Seeing him grow is such a blessing, even though I cannot be there as often as I desire being four hours away. But even then I am grateful for the amounts of time I was able to spend with him from the day he joined our lives, left us and then returned for good.

I truly count myself as being blessed to have been there the day he came home from the hospital, spending the first two weeks of his life with him and his parents. Being there when he was taken was even a blessing because I was able to pray for him, hug and kiss him and try to believe no matter what happened he would remember us. Being there when he came home for good, spending the first week or two back again was amazing. It was almost as if he had never left even though he was gone for a month. He came back and adjusted as if nothing had ever happened.

It is amazing how many lifes my little Kissy Face touched from birth until now. So many people we able to witness first hand the mighty power of God and his blessings and love. I am so thankful we were allowed to go through this experience, although I probably would not have said that back in April. That seems so far away now.

I look forward to seeing what the next year brings, to seeing him grow and learn. Praying he will always know just how loved he is and how special he is and just how much the hand of God is upon him!

Our happy little man!

 



Parenthood and Boundaries--living with Tweenagers

Do you know where your kids are? Unfortunately there are some parents, who don’t, and what makes it worse, they are not concerned about that. It is all well and good to give kids freedom, but with freedom comes responsibility. A concept that seems to be forgotten in today’s society.


I want to know where my kids are; even my adult kids let me know when they leave and usually where they are going when they leave. (Referring to the two that are living here) They let me know, not because they have to, as adults they can do what they want and they are responsible for their own choices. They let me know out of consideration at this point. Chris is always telling me he wants to let me know just in case something happens to him, because you never know what can happen, it’s also one reason why he always says “I love you” when he leaves. He’s lost a lot of friends suddenly and unexpectedly over the last few years, so he understands the concept of anything can happen at anytime.


Now with Carie, (I Love you Sweetie) who is not quite 13 yet, we expect her to tell or ask us if she is going to be going somewhere. She has come to stay with us for a time from Washington. Carie is an awesome young lady, she is smart, funny and very smart, (even though sometimes she doesn’t think so or acts like she isn’t.) Since she has arrived here I have heard from a lot of people what a great kid she is, how friendly and helpful, always happy and smiling. She jumped right into the student ministries at church, volunteering before Impact even started to help with the set up and clean up. Since school has started she is getting pretty much all A’s and B’s, in the majority of her classes. She is great about doing her homework as soon as she gets home and for the most part, (aside from the normal hormonal attitudes sometimes) is a very good kid. (By the way she really hates being referred to as “a kid”…sorry Carie.)


Her dad let her know before she arrived we were probably going to be stricter about certain things than she might be use to. She and I had a conversation before school started about certain boundaries. She told me when she makes friends we probably won’t see her much because she will be gone all the time. I told her I didn’t think so! First of all homework will be done before she goes anywhere. Secondly we want to know where she is and who she is hanging out with. (“Bad company corrupts good character” 1Corinthians 15:33)


The boundaries were set at that time. You don’t leave without asking or letting us know you are leaving, you will not be out after dark, we want to know who your friends are and you will not be spending the night with any friends unless we first meet their parents. The consequences of breaking boundaries were explained. If you leave without asking or letting us know where you are going, you will be grounded. It is not safe for a girl her age (or any teenager) to be out wandering around alone especially after dark. (Of course now she is saying we didn’t have this conversation.)


Last Tuesday one of her friends came over, she asked if they could go outside. I said sure. A few minutes later I went out to see what they were doing and they were NO WHERE to be seen. About a half hour or so later, her friend’s father showed up and wanted to know if his daughter was here. I had to tell him, “I have no idea where the girls are, they left without saying anything”. She had told her dad she would be here when he came by to get her. Needless to say I was not happy and neither was her friend’s father. He told me if he found them he would send Carie home.


I emailed Carie’s dad at work and let him know she had taken off without asking or say anything. He said she is grounded when she gets home and to let him know when she does get home. If it was after dark she was going to be even more grounded!


A little later she came walking through the door. She stopped and just kind of stood there for a second, I guess she was waiting for me to yell at her. I didn’t say anything, so she opens the conversation with “I’m confused”. Apparently her friend’s dad told her she was in trouble before she got home…LOL


SO I calmly told her, “You’re grounded! You left without saying anything about leaving” Her reply to this was, “But I asked you if we could go outside”.


Honestly I was a bit amused that she would really think by feigning confusion or ignorance it would get her out of being grounded.


“You asked if you could go outside, you did not ask if you could leave”, to which she said, “But I asked you if we could go outside, the park is outside”, “Seriously??? Going outside and going to the park are two completely different things! Yes technically the park is ‘outside’ however, you did not ask if you could GO to the park, you asked if you could go “outside”. After a minute of her trying to convince me she did not understand WHY she was in trouble I finally told her, “Look, I am not going to debate or argue the point with you, you are a smart kid, you know the difference between simply going outside and leaving to go to the park, your grounded, end of discussion!”

By the way the park is not just around the corner from our house, it’s not really far but it is also not out our front or backyard. Just saying cuz apparently distance is suppose to make a difference. If I don’t know where you are, distance has nothing to do with it.


Bad things happen and all too often it happens to kids. If she hadn’t come home, I would not have known where to look for her. If something did happen we might not know about it until it was too late to prevent it. Maybe in part, because Christopher lost a friend when he was young I am more aware of the possibilities of something terrible happening.


His parents thought he was home in bed, and the police show up at their door telling them their son is dead. It was a horrible tragic thing to hear their son, who they thought was home, was dead. Yes I know it’s a little different scenario but the concept is the same.


As a parent you cannot always assume nothing will ever happen to your kids! It is foolish to take for granted that when they are gone, they are OK or not in danger. (Which is one reason I pray for all my kids daily) To many parents take for granted their kids are immune to anything bad happening to them, or their kid will always know what to do or make safe choices. I am not saying as parents we should be over protective, however, using some common sense and setting reasonable boundaries are a must with kids! And just a note on this, it is a proven fact based on surveys taken by kids, that kids, even though they complain and get angry, in reality want their parents to set limits and boundaries because it reinforces the idea that their parents care enough about them to set limits.


God expects us as parents to be more concerned with the welfare and training of our children than our own comfort or convenience. The bible has a lot to say about raising kids, and the main point in what He does command us to do involve setting boundaries, setting consequences when those boundaries are crossed and making sure your kids know you love them enough to have rules that are set to protect and teach them to make positive choices. We are also expected to train our children to be responsible for their own actions and choices, not blaming bad choices on situations or other people.


That also includes, like it or not, taking a stand on who your child can and cannot hang out with or be friends with. “Bad company corrupts good character”. (If the Good Lord says it then it is true and we have to pay attention to it.)


In today’s world there seems is this attitude that if you had a bad childhood, or had something tragic happen in your life, you are not responsible for your choices or behavior when they are wrong because, “I can’t help my reaction/actions because it was the way I was raised or because I was hurt in my life”.


This whole blame game began way back in the Garden of Eden. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, Adam blamed God saying “it was the woman you gave me” and Eve blamed the devil, “the serpent deceived me.” That didn’t work for Adam and Eve and it doesn’t work for us, well at least not in God’s eyes. Unfortunately it does seem to work if you are a criminal and claim your environment or your upbringing is the cause of your choices.


We are all responsible for our own choices, and as parents, until your child is 18 you are responsible for their choices to the extent it is your job to teach your child to make good choices and to obey the rules. We have to teach our children that for every action there is a reaction, for every choice there is a consequence good or bad. “What you sow you collect, in other words, if you sow good choices you collect good consequences, if you sow bad choices you collect unpleasant and sometimes even deadly consequences.


We are all expected to obey the laws of the land, if you break the law there are consequences. (Unless of course you get a liberal Judge and ACLU takes your case…just saying.) There has to be respect for authority and if you don’t teach your children this when they are growing up, chances are they will become irresponsible selfish adults who believe they can do whatever they want to whoever they want because it’s their ‘right’. And if something bad happens, well, just blame it on your upbringing or someone else.


Kids make mistakes, we all do. It is part of life; the key is to learn from those mistakes. In order to learn you have to be corrected. If you don’t tell your when child something is wrong how will they learn the difference between right and wrong? And if they know what is right and still choose to do wrong, what does it teach her or him if the wrong does not have consequences? It is the same concept when it comes to other things, a good example is spelling. If you don’t correct your child’s spelling how are they going to learn to spell something the correct way? We all learn by correction, believe me I know, the Lord corrects me all the time when I do something wrong or incorrectly! And I am thankful for that…no really… I am!


This whole foolish ideology, yes I said foolish, that says if you tell a child they have done something wrong or tell them they cannot do something well, or if you correct your kids you are going to damage their self-esteem has done more harm than good!


We have a generation of people who are prideful and arrogant. Believing they are owed something just for being born. Thinking the world revolves around them and that truth is relative to what you choose to believe. A great example is, some of the people who audition for American Idol! Because they have been lied to by family members or friends who didn’t want to “hurt their feelings” they believe they have talent and even when professional music industry people who KNOW talent tell them they are not talented, some contestants get really angry and hateful crying about how the judges don’t know what they are talking about. That is pride! And that shows a complete disservice from their family and/or friends who have chosen to tell these people what they want to hear instead of correcting them in love with the truth.


You can uplift and encourage people you love without doing it by being dishonest. You can and should build up your child to know they are special because God created them to be, that they can do almost anything they put their mind to if they work at it. However not everyone has a talent or can develop a talent for absolutely everything they might want to do. That is just a part of life; each of us has been blessed with different skills, talents and gifts. That does not mean anyone is any better than anyone else it simply means the Lord created each of us to be different. And in the end that is a good thing. So to end “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6


Good or bad training is in the hands of parents! What they learn now they will live as adults.

Our Little Man Is Gettin Big!

One of his new expressions

Gettin ready to walk!

9 Month picture

Loves to clap



Religous Intolerance & Racism

I recieved a friend request from a guy who apparently was new to Facebook. I don't normally accept requests from people I don't know, however I decided I could always just remove him if he became problem.He seemed to be new to Facebook I figured what the heck, why not!

Once I accepted the request I went to his page and noticed he was Muslim, which perplexed me since it's pretty clear from my page I am a Christian. I decided I was not going to remove someone just because they don’t “believe” the way I do, and who knows maybe the Lord could use something I say to open this man’s eyes to the truth of who God really is and maybe lead him to Christ. Ya never know right? And to be honest a small part of me thought, “Well if I remove him from my friends list now that I know he is Muslim it could be said I was just being “racist” or “intolerant” of another’s faith.



So I sent him a message telling him I was curious as to why he wanted to be a “friend”. He sent a message back saying he needed a friend and was lonely. My first thought was, "yeah OK now that sounds like a “pick up line”...LOL. He also told me he was going to be visiting the US in three months, that he is from Turkey and speaks little English. In the next message he explained he would be visiting Chicago, Grand Rapids, Greenville, Belding and Lansing. To which I replied…I can understand wanting to visit Chicago, and even Grand Rapids or Lansing…but Greenville and Belding are not exactly tourist spots! He didn’t respond to that part of my message. (Does it make me a racist to wonder what this guy is up to?) Considering the current mood in the world and knowing how extremist Islamism’s goal is to kill anyone who will not accept their religion and how much they hate Americans, I don’t think it makes me a racist, simply cautious!


The next message I received he asked me if “I love Allah (God)”, telling me he very much loves “Allah (God)”. It took me a couple days to reply.


I did not want to be offensive or judgmental so after praying about it decided to reply with, “I love the Lord God more than anything and His son Jesus who is my Lord and savior, who died in place of the sins of the world so anyone who calls on Him can have an intimate and personal relationship with God :-)"


He proceeded to remove ME from his friends list! Which is fine, however considering all the talk in America right now that says if you are against the Mosque at Ground Zero, or you vocalize any concern about Muslims in this country who are extremists, you are labeled a “hater” and intolerant, and if you happen to be a Christian who is against the Ground Zero Mosque or concerned about terrorists living in America you’re not just labeled a hater or intolerant your almost in fact “demonized”.


As far as building that Mosque so close to Ground Zero… it has nothing to do with religious intolerance or infringement of freedom… If some whacked out Methodist, Catholic, Baptist or any other religious group attacked the towers it would be just as much of an outrage to let them build a temple, church or “community center” in that area!!


How is it that those who are Christians, followers of Christ, who believe Jesus is who He says He is, and know God is a God of love and does not tell us to kill those who refuse to accept him are called the haters?? Yes there are those who claim they are Christians yet they completely ignore what the Lord teaches about loving ALL people, and have used God as an excuse to be hateful to others, even murdering those who do not “believe” in God.


We are told to hate the sin, NOT THE SINNER! A good example is the Pastor who said he was going to burn the Koran…Dude...... really? Show me in the Word of God where it tells you to behave as those you disagree with??? An eye for an eye was Old Testament we are to live under Grace. Apparently you don’t know Jesus very well because He tells us to pray for our enemies and do good to those who spitefully use us! Not burn their religious books. (see scripture below).


Jesus himself said he came not to condemn the world but to save it! “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved” John 3:18


“And if anyone hears My words and does not believe, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.” John 12:47


The martyrs in the Christian church died standing for their belief in Jesus Christ…not dying in the process of killing others in the name of God or to “earn” entrance into heaven. God DOES NOT tell us to kill others, and especially not because they refuse to accept Him. In fact we CANNOT “earn” heaven! It is a free gift!


We are saved through faith- “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast” Ephesians 2:8-9


You cannot earn your way into heaven…especially by breaking the commandments and teachings of Jesus! “Love your neighbors as you love yourself!”

‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31


“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do GOOD to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” Matthew 5:42-44.


Why anyone would want to embrace a “religion” that is so full of hate or one that requires you to kill another to gain entrance into “heaven” is beyond my understanding. And why anyone would reject a God who loves us so much that he gave his only son to die in our place, a God who tells us to do good to others, to love one another, a Savior who tells us to lovingly lead others to Him……NOT demand or coerce with threats of death to bow down to Him is even more so beyond my understanding!


Intolerance is always yelled the loudest by those who are the truly intolerant. Those who are truly the racists are those who call anyone who disagrees with them a racist.


I am not intolerant-I have yet to remove anyone from my friends list who disagrees with my views on anything whether it’s politics, religion or lifestyle and I am definitely not racist…have you seen the pictures of my beautiful Grandson? J


And it DOES NOT make me a racist because I disapprove of President Obama and his agenda for this country! I am sure he is a nice man who loves his family - however he is just another Politian who said what he had to say to get elected and is now doing the opposite of what he “promised”.

By the way, why is it so many seem to have forgotten - our President is half white? I would say focusing ONLY on the fact that his skin color is black- is the real racist attitude! I’m just sayin!

Ready For Heaven

Why would any true follower of Jesus Christ fear death? This makes little sense to me in light of the promises of heaven given to us by him. Paul tells us ; 

 "For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee."  So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. "We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord". 2 Corinthians 5:4-9

I am not afraid of death, although I do have to admit I am not thrilled with the idea of the pain depending on what kind of death one experiences. But the idea of leaving this world and all it's suffering, evil and heartbreak is a longing within my soul. There are times, like when I see the horrible things going on in the world, the evil that is reigning in the lives of most today, I pray for either the Lord's return to come NOW or for him to just bring me home. I do however know that in a way that is selfishness, only in the perspective that maybe, just maybe my remaining here might serve in someone one being lead to Jesus and saved from hell.

Some might say, but Cindy don't you want to stick around and see your gorgeous Grandson grow up? Or see your daughter and son in law continue to grow as they face being parents?  Don't you want to see the salvation of your two youngest children? (not saved yet). Don't you want to be around when your beautiful stepdaughter graduates and becomes a doctor some day? (This is what she says she wants to be). Or don't you want to see your boys maybe get married and have families someday?

Of course I want to experience these things, but I guess I am a bit unorthodox in the way I look at life. The way I see it, being in heaven with the Lord does not mean you miss out on special things like this, I think you have a front row seat and get to see the wonderful outcomes without having to see the struggles to get there for your family.

Time in heaven is not like time we are use to experiencing. From my understanding we will be allowed to see everything from beginning to end once we are with the Lord. He will answer all questions, show us all the good that will come out of the things that seemed so awful while we are here. Jesus last three words on the cross are always on my mind. "It IS FINISHED".

The sacrifice he made for our sins, the reign of sin in our lives demolished (if we chose to live through him)...it was all accomplished by his willingness to take the sin of the world upon his shoulders. Receiving upon himself our judgement and consequences. He paid the price WE owe/owed.

After saying all this, I do have to say sometimes living here can really suck. Watching people continue to make the same stupid choices and never seeing the truth of what God is trying to show them. I think that is the most frustrating part...that and watching people bring about suffering and trouble because of their own rebelliousness.

Watching people who continually misuse the Grace of God to not change their choices or behavior. Knowing the answer but also knowing they will not listen or "hear" the truth. Being able to just leave here and see the final outcome without having to be witness to what may be the hard things they have to go through before they "get it" would be so awesome!

But in the end, there is an appointed time for each of us to remain here, God does not take us any sooner or later than is already in his plan for our lives. So for now I will praise the Lord for his mercy and grace. For helping me to keep my eyes on Jesus..who is the author and finisher of our faith.


"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-3

Kellen with Uncle Jason

It's Official

Today my little Kissy Face legally became Kellen Alexander Mitchell, son of Sarah and Matt Mitchell!! The adoption was finalized today.




It's been a very long seven months, and a roller coaster ride of faith and emotions for everyone, but thank the Lord it's done and no one can come and take away our miracle baby again. There is a peace inside knowing this process is now complete, and even though up to this point it has been joyful, heartbreaking and then joyful again it's been worth any of the heartbreak for a time to say in the end this IS my Grandson, not just in my heart but legally and officially. The scripture "Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:6 is completely appropriate and full of meaning now. The "night" lasted for five and half weeks but the "morning" is here for good filled with inexpressible joy!

I still remember the night they brought Kellen home from the hospital, so little and so precious, that smile he gave me the first time I held him that completely melted my heart and caused me to fall in love with him in an instant.

It's funny because when I first thought about the idea of adoption, I kind of wondered if the love I would feel for that baby would be instant like it is when a child comes into your life the "old fashioned" way or if it is something that would grow over time. I found the answer to that the minute I held him.

Honestly I was not sure how I would feel when Sarah and Matt finally brought their new son home, I even wondered if I would be able to just completely accept an adopted grandchild the way I imagined I would should they have been able to conceive a child. Now I cannot imagine loving him more than I do. I have said this before, but the moment I held him I knew I not only loved him, but that he was the child God ordained to be a part of our family.

Even though he was taken for a short time, deep inside I knew and still believed Kellen was born to be Sarah and Matt's son. It is the reason he was conceived and the reason he was born. God has great plans for our little man, of this I am sure. I was confused and afraid to speak that out loud when he was first taken and in the weeks in between, because it made no sense for the Lord to allow that to happen.

However, as usual because we don't see the "whole picture" of course it didn't make sense. I do believe now that in part, Kellen being returned to his birth mom for those weeks and then returned back to Sarah and Matt showed a lot of people, including I am sure some unbelievers and/or skeptics the mighty power and grace of God. It brought a lot of people to their knees in prayer for the situation, for Kellen's safety and welfare, for Sarah and Matt, and for the rest of our family. God performed an awesome miracle through all this. In fact it was not just one miracle but many miracles throughout the seven months leading up to today.


I know it's been a huge spiritual journey for my faith, a realization that no matter what happens the Lord never leaves our side, he may allow unpleasant things to pass into and out of our lives, but there is always a higher purpose. We can make a choice during those times to either choose to love and live for him because He is God and Lord no matter what happens, or we can choose to turn our backs and hearts from him when he works in ways that allow us to hurt for a time, only "loving and living" for Him only when we get what we want and don't have to experience any pain or trials.

Some scriptures come to mind that say, focus on the things unseen and not those things seen...what happens here on earth is temporary but after that it is eternal and forever. The trials we may endure for a time will pass, there is a much bigger picture involved, one we cannot and may not see until we reach heaven. (My paraphrase) Unlike us the Lord already knows the beginning, the middle, and the end. Nothing comes as a surprise to Him and He alone knows not only the ultimate outcome, but the affect of each and every situation for each and every person on the planet.

Something you do today that you think might be inconsequential might in fact be the thing that positively (or negatively) affects the course of another person’s life. It's pretty amazing and scary when you really ponder just what that means.


Does your faith and love for the Lord stand even in the midst of hurt and trials? That speaks volumes to those who have any contact in your sphere of living. Do you only praise and continue to follow the Lord when things are going your way and you are not experiencing any trials? Those things are the things that can turn others away from God instead of towards Him.

Through all of this I have never even considered walking away from Him, I had doubts about whether or not He was listening to certain prayers or that He would do miracles in other people’s lives but seemed to not be willing to do “this” one for our family. But I not stopped loving Him or believing in Him, He sent His only Son Jesus to suffer and die for me that I might have eternal life and to put it into perspective, there is nothing I could go through while here on earth that could even compare to the pain and suffering Jesus went through when He took not only my sins upon himself but the whole worlds, paying the penalty each one of us deserves. And just as Jesus was resurrected and is at the right hand of his Father, I too have that to look forward to…and THAT is forever and ever…what happens here…that is just dust in the wind in comparison.


So in the end it’s official…Kellen Alexander Mitchell is now and forever more my Grandson and the Lord God my God still reigns!

Our Little Man Is Home

Wonder of Wonders-Miracle of Miracles!

Kellen is back home with his mommy and daddy! The Lord just did such an amazing miracle and I feel like Peter must have felt when he denied Christ three times! 

We were all so crushed when they took Kellen away, and very afraid to even consider there would be a chance we would get him back again. A few weeks later when the kids called me and said there might a slight chance they would get him back, (see previous post) I would not even allow myself to believe it would happen. 


For a couple weeks that thought was always in my mind, but because I had put so much faith in his not leaving to begin with I would not allow myself to even consider it a real possibility. I knew God could do anything, but my heart would not allow me to open up to THIS happening. Even when I would get that still small voice telling me Kellen will come home, I refused to listen, telling myself it won't happen. 

A lot of whether or not he came home was going to be contingent on if his birth dad showed up to the hearing and the judge's decision. Or if he didn't show up, would the judge once again give him yet another chance. 


I had stopped praying specifically and have just been praying for the Lord to keep Kellen safe, loved and taken care of, and for God's will to be done whatever that might be. 

Sarah called me that Monday, May 17th to let me know the hearing was at 11 a.m. and the lawyer was going to call them after it was over and let them know what happened. That day was incredibly restless for all of us, just waiting, yet again. 

When I got the call from Sarah telling me they were getting Kellen back I was in disbelief. The dad did NOT show up at the hearing so the judged dismissed the case! At that point they did not know when exactly they would be getting him back or how it was going to work. Later that day Sarah called to let me know Kellen would be coming home to them that night! 

Even then as much as I wanted to be excited, I knew until he was in their arms I was not going to relax. They needed me to come up to Indianapolis because neither of them could take anymore time off from work, having used it all up when they first got Kellen. And they no longer had Day Care lined up.


Kellen's other Grandma came by picked me up and Kellen's two grandmas headed up to see our little miracle grandson once again! I am totally blessed to be able to spend some time here watching my little Kissy Face boy so he can transition to being back home.


He has gotten so tall in the five weeks he's been away from us, and reached some of his six month milestones, things like being able to get his foot into his mouth :-)

Just as Peter must have felt when that rooster crowed for the third time, I felt Tuesday when I held Kellen after five long weeks of his being away from us. I felt shame for denying Christ by allowing circumstances dictate my faith. For not taking God at His word when he told me from the start this child was created and ordained to be my Grandson.

In the months leading up to April 8th I stood firm in believing Kellen was  created  by God to be a part of this family. And in retrospect, there were times I think the Holy Spirit was telling me that Kellen would be leaving for a time, but I did not recognize that as being from the Lord. Instead I just ignored it and did not allow myself to consider any possibility it could be anything other than my own doubt. 

So when that DNA test came back and the next day they took Kellen away from us I was confused, and even felt a little bit betrayed.  (see previous posts). 


During the little over five weeks Kellen was gone, I again believe I was hearing that "still small voice" again telling me Kellen WOULD be coming back to us. Honestly I think I knew it was the Lord but because it hurt so much to lose Kellen the first time, fear kept me from even wanting to believe it. None of us wanted to experience that horrible pain again! So every time I had that thought Kellen will return, I rejected it. 


I am so very thankful our Lord is so full of mercy and grace towards us, even when we waiver or deny him for a time. His will is His will and His plans are His plans...nothing will stop them..because after all...He is God! 


I will blog more about this later on but because I have the privilege and the blessing of getting up in the mornings to take care of our little miracle boy for a few days, it's not so easy to stay up too late :-) 


Thank you Lord for showing your mighty power through all this! I know it has touched more lives than we even can imagine. Glory be to God for He IS worthy!

Six Months Old Today

You are six months old today! I miss you so much little Kissy Face. Early this morning all I could think about was how we have missed the last month of your life. Experiencing all the firsts you have probably had over this last month. Wondering if you are happy and healthy, are you still confused at not being able to see your wonderful mommy and daddy? Are you safe? Are you crawling yet? I always thought as quickly as you were growing and learning over the first five months you would crawl early also.

I asked God to please keep you safe, to put his arms around you and keep you comforted and loved. I still struggle with God about this whole thing, so unable to believe you are no longer a part of our family.

Your mommy and daddy were so excited and happy when they brought you home. They wanted and still want you more than words can even express. It is so hard for them, coming home to a house that was once filled with your presence, your smell, your noises. Feeling all the time the heartache of your loss. Always, like me, worrying about your safety and your health. Longing to hold you and hug you once again.

Do your birth parents cherish you the way your mommy and daddy do? Do they realize what an amazing gift and blessing you are? Are they putting your well being above all else?

I try to focus on believing that even if we are never allowed to see you again that someday at least when we all get to heaven you will be reunited with us. Even this hope is sometimes hard to hold on to, not knowing how they will raise you. Our prayers for you include that someday you will come to know Jesus as you grow up, that you will become a Godly man. The one thing your mommy and daddy wanted for you, to raise you up to know the Lord and to serve Him some day. Is God even apart of your birth parents lives? Or at least someone in their extended family?

I still keep remembering that last night and morning with you. Holding you, playing with you, cuddling and kissing you knowing you would soon be ripped away from us all. Holding out until the very end for some miracle that would keep you from leaving us. The shock and pain of realizing that miracle was not coming, the confusion of not understanding why God, who brought you into our lives was now allowing you to be taken away.

The horrible pain of seeing your mommy and daddy so distraught and hurting when they put you into that van. Seeing you sleeping in your little car seat then hearing you cry when you woke up as they put you into the van. Not being able to just take you out to comfort and hold you. Knowing there was nothing I could do to ease the unbelievable pain your mommy and daddy were experiencing, feeling that pain myself.

Every day since then missing you, worrying about you, remembering how wonderful and how darn cute you are. Missing your smile and the warmth of your body as we would hold you. Wanting to hope for a miracle, but afraid to even consider the possibility, not wanting to continue to feel that initial loss all over again.

We all love you so much Kellen! No matter how much time may pass we will always love you, always consider you our Kellen. I can't help but hope some how you will remember the first five months of your life, knowing just how much you were cherished and loved by your first family. That maybe some day you find this blog and your mommy's blog and read about how much we love you and how much we all wanted and cherished you. And how devasted we all were at losing you.

Completely Confusing!

What a crazy and confusing five months it's been. I have tried to stop asking God why he allowed Kellen to be taken away, but I still constantly find myself saying when I pray, "Lord I just cannot believe you allowed this to happen".

I am trying to keep my focus on the positive things that have happened in the last few months, of course I see nothing positive in the situation with Kellen, so I have to look at other things.

The fact that Jason is still alive is a BIG positive and something to be thankful for. For all intents and purposes he basically drowned a few weeks ago. The kids all went on a cruise days after Kellen was taken from us. They had to get away and try not to think about what had just happened.

Jason and Sarah were snorkeling in the ocean by Grand Turk and Jason had a seizure. Thank God Sarah saw him because had she not he probably wouldn't be here. When they pulled him out of the water, he was not breathing and Sarah said he was literally blue, blood covering his face. It's a picture she cannot stop from seeing in her mind. They were finally able to resuscitate him, he had to be taken to the hospital on shore because he was not getting enough oxygen.

Sarah was not allowed to leave the ship because she didn't have a passport, so Matt accompanied Jason to the island. I felt so helpless when Sarah managed to call me. She was stuck on the ship, had not heard from Matt and was going to have to continue the rest of the cruise on her own, not even knowing for a little while if Jason was OK. She then had to  figure out how to get everything off the ship and to the airport, not knowing when Matt and Jason would be able to come home.

Jason did not have a passport and that ended up being an issue when they released him from the hospital and he and Matt were trying to get back to the USA. But God worked all the details out and in the end they actually ended up landing in Indianapolis about the same time Sarah did so they were able to arrive at home together.

Matt and Jason both said God put people throughout the process into their path to help them get through the process. But for a little over a 24 hour period we were not sure what was going to happen and how they were going to make it home.

Another positive recently is my husband is finally starting to "get it" in regards to our relationship and his relationship with the Lord. I am seeing subtle yet very positive changes in attitude. He even wants to start praying together and spending time every night in the word. It's interesting that this just began to happen over the last week or so.

God also had a hand in the timing of that. Up until the last week I have not even been able to read the bible, opening it up seemed to instead of bringing comfort, brought more and more unanswered questions and frustration. Praying has been difficult because after Kellen was taken I began to feel like my prayers and my faith meant little.

I have always had faith and believed anything is possible. And from the day they found out Kellen's biological father was not dead and had contested the adoption, I stood my ground...telling everyone God would never allow Kellen to be taken away...it was NOT going to happen. And then....it did! I've said this before, but how do you reconcile what you have had faith and believed in so strongly only to have it proven to be a false hope?

I know it is because a whole lot of people are praying for all of us that I am becoming more able to get back into praying, not like I use to but at least it's a start. I still shy away from wanting to read the scriptures that say ask and it will be given or believe and it will happen. (Paraphrasing here). Because we stood on the word and the promises of God and believed them wholeheartedly and still my little Kissy Face is gone. 

The kids were told there is a VERY slight chance they could get Kellen back, however Sarah and I both agree it's too painful to even hope for this. I know God is God and he can do absolutely anything he chooses to...the problem is not knowing if this is something he WILL do. I find myself only praying, as far as Kellen is concerned for God to protect him and keep him safe...even that is difficult because the situation my beautiful boy is in right now is not safe nor emotionally healthy for him. Which again raises the questions of why are you allowing this to happen God? It is just all so confusing.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and all things work together for good...however right now it is very difficult to see any reason for Kellen being taken or believing it will somehow work together for good.

I never thought anything could happen that would shake my faith the way this has, and the weird thing is I still know God is God, He CAN do anything because He is God! I still know Jesus died for me and is my Lord and Savior. It's the rest I am still struggling to find my way back into completely knowing like I once did and being able to see how God is working in every situation. I don't know if that makes sense but it's difficult to put into words. Good thing God knows my every thought and knows what I mean.

Parental Selfishness at It's Worst!

When they first took Kellen away we believed he would be cared for, that the confusion he must have felt would be relieved over time. However, now we find out his mom is living in a Shelter, she cannot keep him at night time so he is being shuffled from her to his birth dad at night, who has told "mom" the situation is not working out because of his job.

Kellen was sick the day they took him and they still have not taken him to the doctor! "Dad' refuses to sign release papers so "mom" can do the right thing and allow him to return to his mommy and daddy. The guy did not show up for the hearing that was scheduled, and the Judge who in the past kept giving this guy chance after chance, has once again rescheduled another hearing.

Apparently just having positive DNA results does not mean parental rights are automatically given. If this guy wants Kellen he has to seek custody from his mom. Yet he did not show up in court.

So now our beautiful boy is stuck in a situation that is not healthy and is most likely causing him even more confusion and stress. Totally not fair for a five month old baby to have to deal with, especially after having spent those first five months in a stable, safe and loving home!

I understand a parent wanting to keep their child, but I do not understand being so incredibly selfish as to want to keep a child when you cannot care for that child. To take him away from a family who can and will for the rest of his life provide the things he needs, especially the love and stability of a real home.

Supposedly "mom" always wanted to follow through with the adoption because she knew she could not care for him, yet his birth dad, who is not even in a relationship with "mom" refuses to allow that to happen! I don't know if it is pride or just arrogance that is keeping this man from allowing his son to have a good and safe life, but I can say for sure it is pure selfishness!

To not put the welfare of a child ahead of what you want is not what being a parent is about. If you truly love your child you want the best possible life for that child. To deny any child that is not love!

I don't know why God allowed or is allowing this to happen. We have been praying for Kellen that God would keep him safe and loved, we were beginning to accept his loss...and now...the roller coaster ride is not over but has been restarted! Knowing our beautiful boy is not really safe, knowing he is not in a stable loving home not only hurts...but scares the hell out of us! And unfortunately Sarah and Matt can do nothing about it at this point!

It is too hard to hope this will lead to Kellen being returned to Sarah and Matt and our family. For the last few weeks I have denied myself to even hope somehow Kellen would come home! Telling myself each time that thought would pop up, "No, do not even think that way, it will never happen and to hope it will is just false hope." When I got the call yesterday from Matt telling me what his going on, there was a glimmer of hope, yet logically my head is telling me again.. "NO, do not allow that idea to get in, because should it not happen, that grieving process with just start all over again". Only this time, knowing Kellen is not being properly taken care of makes it even worse.

There is another hearing scheduled for May 17th. Only God knows what is going to happen. For now all we can do is try to just keep moving forward, praying for Kellen to be OK and hoping that at least my little Kissy Face will not be harmed emotionally or even physically because of the selfishness of his biological father's choices.

Four Weeks Later

Yesterday was not a good day. Just when I thought I was able to stop missing Kellen so much, the pain struck again. It began with the night before, every time I closed my eyes I would see his beautiful face. I could not stop thinking about the last night with him. Holding him close, trying to get him to stop crying. He seemed to sense something was going on. I held him close, bouncing him, rocking him in the big comfy chair in the nursery. All the while thinking about how in the morning he was going to be taken away from our family.

Praying for the Lord to calm him, praying some miracle would happen and in the morning we would hear his birth mom changed her mind and would not be taking him. Instead of putting him in his crib when he did finally fall asleep, I laid him next to me in the bed so I could keep him close for just a little longer. I didn't sleep much that night, hearing his breathing, watching his little face as he slept.

He was not feeling well either. Which added to the concern of his leaving us. Would his birth mom have insurance? Would she take him to the doctor to make sure he would not get worse? How is he going to feel in the morning, being put into a strange car by strange women he had never seen? What is going to go through his little mind when that first day gone, he no longer sees his mommy or daddy, or the rest of the family he had come to know?

Watching Sarah and Matt pack up his things was so hard. Seeing the pain and the tears as they made sure Kellen had all the things he had grown familiar with in his day to day  young life. Both of them hesitating to hold him, knowing how hard it was going to be to let go of him. Then watching them hold and hug him, getting him dressed and ready to go...one of the most heartbreaking things I think I will ever have to experience.

Part of me thinks I need to continue keeping a diary of sorts, through blogging about all this throughout the years to come. Maybe someday Kellen will find it, and know his first family and how much we loved him. How much we wanted him and how hard it was to let go of him. His little life affected so many people. Friends of Sarah and Matt who came to visit him, lots of pictures with everyone who had prayed so long and hard for Sarah and Matt to get the child they had wanted for so long. Friends of friends who also came to welcome Kellen home over the first weeks. There are a lot of people who love him. A lot of people who rejoiced when they brought him home. And now many of them also experiencing the pain of his being taken away.

It's almost four weeks now. He left us April 8th, 2010. A date I will never forget. Along with his birthday November 11, 2009. I am sure for years to come we are all going to be thinking about and wondering about him on these dates. It still seems like just yesterday he was taken. The feeling of him in my arms, his laughter, his smile are all still such vivid memories. As painful as that is I don't want to lose that...almost being able to feel him, smell him and hear him.

I see his picture and just want to be able to pick him up. To hug him tight, kiss his little cheeks and neck. Something that always made him smile and squeal. I don't understand why he came into our lives only to be taken away. I have discovered the last couple of days that even though I cannot let go of the love and the pain, I do have to let go of ever being able to know why this happened.

My little Kellen, my grandson, you will always and forever be my grandson regardless. And someday maybe you will find not only this but the blog your mommy began when they brought you home. Maybe someday you will know how special you are, how much your "other" family loved you. We pray for you Kellen, praying you will someday become a man of God. That the Lord will always protect you from all harm, that you will grow up to be healthy and happy. That someday we might see you again. I will continue to write this blog, hoping maybe just maybe you will see it at some point in the future. I love you Kellen, my little Kissy Face!

Not so Unshakeable

I am still at a loss as to why God allowed Kellen to be taken away from us, and honestly it has shaken my faith. It's been two weeks today since he was taken away, and it still feels like just yesterday! I have no words to comfort my daughter and son-in-law because I myself am really struggling with trying to understand all this. I do know in talking with my daughter, the last thing she or even I want to hear is, "God has a plan", "Something good will come out of this", or the worse thing "God has something better for you".



We love Kellen more than words can truly express. To say God has something better is like saying Kellen was not good enough for us? He can never be replaced and even though he is no longer in our lives, he will forever in my heart be my grandson. It is very hard to imagine how any good can come of this.


How do you bring comfort to someone who has been through as much heartbreak as my daughter and son-in-law have been through over the last two years of the adoption process? Thinking when Kellen arrived it was all worth the previous pain because he is such a wonderful blessing...then to have him taken away? How do I reconcile my adamant faith through this whole process, never once allowing myself to believe God would ever allow Kellen to be taken away, standing on faith, trusting and believing God wouldn't do that to my daughter, my son-in-law, or the rest of the family. Believing that the way Kellen came into our lives was such a miracle, so many things that fell into place, even his very birth date. All seemed to so clearly say he was destined to be part of our family.


I for one now am afraid to even believe completely in anything I pray for now. I have a hard time praying anything but God's will be done, adding nothing else, not willing to put complete faith that what I pray for will actually be answered. It is hard to put into words the difference in my faith now as compared to before Kellen was ripped away from us.


I know God loves us because Jesus died for us, that is the only thing I "have faith" enough to believe right now. I guess that is at least something. I know God didn't take Kellen away, but He allowed it to happen. I do know God can DO anything, because He is God. My struggle right now is why God didn't do anything to stop us from losing our little Kissy Face boy?


Knowing he is out there, not knowing what kind of parent his birth mom will be to him, not knowing how he is, and knowing we will never see him again, never be able to hug and hold him, to kiss his little cheeks. Never again able to look into those big beautiful dark eyes.


My daughter had a good way to explain this loss. It's like he was kidnapped and we just don't know how or where he is. It is different than losing a child to death. In that case a person at least knows the child is in heaven with Jesus where nothing bad can happen to him. But knowing all the horrible things that could happen to him, being unable to protect him or sheild him from the things, knowing that for awhile at least he is going to be confused and scared, not knowing why the people he came to know as his family is gone, and in their place are strangers.


I do realize his birth mom and dad must love him, because of they did what they needed to do to get him back..however...again...why did they wait five months? It would have been hard to lose him after only a few weeks or a month...but FIVE MONTHS he was a part of our lives and now he is not.


I know as a christian I am suppose to be beyond having these kinds of doubts, or questioning why God would allow something so painful to happen..however...I am not going to pretend "it's all OK" and act as though this has not caused my faith to be completely shaken...that to me is truly being hypocritial! I don't understand..I don't like it. But God is still God and regardless of how I feel I yeild to Him and just hope at some point, He will heal our hurt and help all of us once again be able to have unshakeable faith...but for right now...anything beyond believing in God and Jesus is just not doable for me. So the only thing that I or my daughter can handle hearing right now is just simply that you are praying for us.

Lost Hope

 My Sweet Kellen,

It's a week ago today we found out you were leaving our family. Up to the very minute they put you into the van and drove away I held out for a miracle...a miracle that never came.

I still cannot fathom this has happened, I prayed and believed so hard God would not let you be taken away from us. Yet it happened. I have found myself wondering what real good it does to have faith something won't happen or will happen only to see the results be the opposite of what we have so completely trusted and believed in. Believing we have understanding of God's will, yet finding out we were obviously wrong. Questioning every thing we ever believed He was showing each of us...

I cannot stop thinking about how it felt to hold your little body in my arms, so warm and so cuddly. Those big beautiful trusting dark eyes staring back into my own. The sound of your laugh, your cry, the joyful little noises you made as you contentedly bounced away in your jumper. Or the gorgeous smile you blessed us all with every time we talked to you, held you, played with you.

I close my eyes and see you that last night before you were torn from our arms and our hearts. It was like you knew something was wrong. You were always such a calm baby, yet that night seemed to be unhappy. I remember holding you and rocking you, trying to comfort your cries. Sitting in the big soft chair in your nursery. Praying and crying, asking God to please calm you, asking God to please not let this happen. Yet no amount of hoping or believing stopped them from taking you.

Seeing the pain in your mommy and daddy's eyes as they packed your things, wanting to make sure you had something familiar with you in your new home, being with people you don't know, being in surroundings you would be so unfamiliar with.

Seeing in their eyes, and feeling in my own heart, fear of not knowing what  your future holds, not knowing what kind of parent your birth mom will be, fear of what your little mind is thinking, the confusion of being taken away from your mommy and daddy and the home you have spent the first five months of your little life in. Not knowing the strangers who will soon have you in their arms. I'm sure the woman who gave birth to you loves you, but it is so hard to imagine anyone loving you as much as we do, as I do!

I find myself weeping when I think of the confusion you must have felt that day and may be possibly feeling still. They say babies bond within the first three months of life, learning who mommy and daddy are, recognizing faces and voices. You were a part of our lives for five months, that bond was there and that is the thing that causes some of the most heartbreaking pain. Not knowing how you are, not being able to comfort you or hold you.

My heart breaks for your mommy and daddy. I know the pain I feel at losing you, I can only imagine the extent of it within their hearts. Having had you in their lives 24/7 for so many months. They wanted you so desperately Kissy Face...went through so much pain and disappointment before they brought you home...you were our miracle baby. To have such a blessing ripped away makes no sense.

I want so much to believe somehow you will remember us, and know just how loved you were, how special you are little one! I want to believe your birth mom and her family will cherish you the way your mommy, daddy and the rest of us do. Never taking for granted even a minute of their time with you.

I still keep remembering the night they brought you home...so little and so precious. They say newborns don't really smile but when they put you in my arms to hold you the first time you looked into my eyes and smiled at me. You smiled a lot those first two weeks, at me, at your mommy and daddy. You were such a happy baby. I felt so unbelievably blessed to have been apart of your first couple weeks at home. Yet now I sometimes think maybe it would not be so hard today had I not been there when you came home.

I love you so much Kellen Alexander...and you will now and forever be my grandson...my little Kissy Face. I see your pictures and all I want to do is kiss those little cheeks! I keep watching the videos over and over of you in your jumper, smiling and talking, in your PacknPlay smiling and reaching for whatever catches your eye or just chillin on the couch.

I foolishly thought once I came home it would be easier, yet even here I still so vividly hear you blowing bubbles, crying as you are waking up from a nap, the jabbering and the noises you were daily trying to imitate. I thought I could trick my mind into believing things are still as they were.

You are simply home with your mommy and daddy and soon I will get to see new pictures and videos your mommy always put up on FaceBook regularly. I will get to come visit you again soon...but reality refuses to go away...insisting on crashing in on my heart...reminding me you are gone...no more pictures...no more videos.

I find myself thinking maybe your birth mom will decide she can't take care of you, maybe your mommy and daddy will get a call saying they want to give you back...it is a thought I have to fight off - a hope I cannot allow myself to hope. I hoped for so long you would not be going anywhere and it was a hope that lead to heartbreak beyond imagine.

I still believe in God, I still believe Jesus died for my sins. I still believe God is the creator of all things, but it's different  now. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly have faith that believes no matter what. I had that for the last five months and you were still taken from us. I have no answers, no understanding how any good will come of this. All I have right now is hurt! Hurt at losing you my beautiful grandson and hurt seeing your mommy and daddy in such horrible emotional pain....pain I can do nothing to ease for them.