Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wonder of Wonders-Miracle of Miracles!
Kellen is back home with his mommy and daddy! The Lord just did such an amazing miracle and I feel like Peter must have felt when he denied Christ three times!
We were all so crushed when they took Kellen away, and very afraid to even consider there would be a chance we would get him back again. A few weeks later when the kids called me and said there might a slight chance they would get him back, (see previous post) I would not even allow myself to believe it would happen.
For a couple weeks that thought was always in my mind, but because I had put so much faith in his not leaving to begin with I would not allow myself to even consider it a real possibility. I knew God could do anything, but my heart would not allow me to open up to THIS happening. Even when I would get that still small voice telling me Kellen will come home, I refused to listen, telling myself it won't happen.
A lot of whether or not he came home was going to be contingent on if his birth dad showed up to the hearing and the judge's decision. Or if he didn't show up, would the judge once again give him yet another chance.
I had stopped praying specifically and have just been praying for the Lord to keep Kellen safe, loved and taken care of, and for God's will to be done whatever that might be.
Sarah called me that Monday, May 17th to let me know the hearing was at 11 a.m. and the lawyer was going to call them after it was over and let them know what happened. That day was incredibly restless for all of us, just waiting, yet again.
When I got the call from Sarah telling me they were getting Kellen back I was in disbelief. The dad did NOT show up at the hearing so the judged dismissed the case! At that point they did not know when exactly they would be getting him back or how it was going to work. Later that day Sarah called to let me know Kellen would be coming home to them that night!
Even then as much as I wanted to be excited, I knew until he was in their arms I was not going to relax. They needed me to come up to Indianapolis because neither of them could take anymore time off from work, having used it all up when they first got Kellen. And they no longer had Day Care lined up.
Kellen's other Grandma came by picked me up and Kellen's two grandmas headed up to see our little miracle grandson once again! I am totally blessed to be able to spend some time here watching my little Kissy Face boy so he can transition to being back home.
He has gotten so tall in the five weeks he's been away from us, and reached some of his six month milestones, things like being able to get his foot into his mouth :-)
Just as Peter must have felt when that rooster crowed for the third time, I felt Tuesday when I held Kellen after five long weeks of his being away from us. I felt shame for denying Christ by allowing circumstances dictate my faith. For not taking God at His word when he told me from the start this child was created and ordained to be my Grandson.
In the months leading up to April 8th I stood firm in believing Kellen was created by God to be a part of this family. And in retrospect, there were times I think the Holy Spirit was telling me that Kellen would be leaving for a time, but I did not recognize that as being from the Lord. Instead I just ignored it and did not allow myself to consider any possibility it could be anything other than my own doubt.
So when that DNA test came back and the next day they took Kellen away from us I was confused, and even felt a little bit betrayed. (see previous posts).
During the little over five weeks Kellen was gone, I again believe I was hearing that "still small voice" again telling me Kellen WOULD be coming back to us. Honestly I think I knew it was the Lord but because it hurt so much to lose Kellen the first time, fear kept me from even wanting to believe it. None of us wanted to experience that horrible pain again! So every time I had that thought Kellen will return, I rejected it.
I am so very thankful our Lord is so full of mercy and grace towards us, even when we waiver or deny him for a time. His will is His will and His plans are His plans...nothing will stop them..because after all...He is God!
I will blog more about this later on but because I have the privilege and the blessing of getting up in the mornings to take care of our little miracle boy for a few days, it's not so easy to stay up too late :-)
Thank you Lord for showing your mighty power through all this! I know it has touched more lives than we even can imagine. Glory be to God for He IS worthy!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Six Months Old Today
You are six months old today! I miss you so much little Kissy Face. Early this morning all I could think about was how we have missed the last month of your life. Experiencing all the firsts you have probably had over this last month. Wondering if you are happy and healthy, are you still confused at not being able to see your wonderful mommy and daddy? Are you safe? Are you crawling yet? I always thought as quickly as you were growing and learning over the first five months you would crawl early also.
I asked God to please keep you safe, to put his arms around you and keep you comforted and loved. I still struggle with God about this whole thing, so unable to believe you are no longer a part of our family.
Your mommy and daddy were so excited and happy when they brought you home. They wanted and still want you more than words can even express. It is so hard for them, coming home to a house that was once filled with your presence, your smell, your noises. Feeling all the time the heartache of your loss. Always, like me, worrying about your safety and your health. Longing to hold you and hug you once again.
Do your birth parents cherish you the way your mommy and daddy do? Do they realize what an amazing gift and blessing you are? Are they putting your well being above all else?
I try to focus on believing that even if we are never allowed to see you again that someday at least when we all get to heaven you will be reunited with us. Even this hope is sometimes hard to hold on to, not knowing how they will raise you. Our prayers for you include that someday you will come to know Jesus as you grow up, that you will become a Godly man. The one thing your mommy and daddy wanted for you, to raise you up to know the Lord and to serve Him some day. Is God even apart of your birth parents lives? Or at least someone in their extended family?
I still keep remembering that last night and morning with you. Holding you, playing with you, cuddling and kissing you knowing you would soon be ripped away from us all. Holding out until the very end for some miracle that would keep you from leaving us. The shock and pain of realizing that miracle was not coming, the confusion of not understanding why God, who brought you into our lives was now allowing you to be taken away.
The horrible pain of seeing your mommy and daddy so distraught and hurting when they put you into that van. Seeing you sleeping in your little car seat then hearing you cry when you woke up as they put you into the van. Not being able to just take you out to comfort and hold you. Knowing there was nothing I could do to ease the unbelievable pain your mommy and daddy were experiencing, feeling that pain myself.
Every day since then missing you, worrying about you, remembering how wonderful and how darn cute you are. Missing your smile and the warmth of your body as we would hold you. Wanting to hope for a miracle, but afraid to even consider the possibility, not wanting to continue to feel that initial loss all over again.
We all love you so much Kellen! No matter how much time may pass we will always love you, always consider you our Kellen. I can't help but hope some how you will remember the first five months of your life, knowing just how much you were cherished and loved by your first family. That maybe some day you find this blog and your mommy's blog and read about how much we love you and how much we all wanted and cherished you. And how devasted we all were at losing you.
I asked God to please keep you safe, to put his arms around you and keep you comforted and loved. I still struggle with God about this whole thing, so unable to believe you are no longer a part of our family.
Your mommy and daddy were so excited and happy when they brought you home. They wanted and still want you more than words can even express. It is so hard for them, coming home to a house that was once filled with your presence, your smell, your noises. Feeling all the time the heartache of your loss. Always, like me, worrying about your safety and your health. Longing to hold you and hug you once again.
Do your birth parents cherish you the way your mommy and daddy do? Do they realize what an amazing gift and blessing you are? Are they putting your well being above all else?
I try to focus on believing that even if we are never allowed to see you again that someday at least when we all get to heaven you will be reunited with us. Even this hope is sometimes hard to hold on to, not knowing how they will raise you. Our prayers for you include that someday you will come to know Jesus as you grow up, that you will become a Godly man. The one thing your mommy and daddy wanted for you, to raise you up to know the Lord and to serve Him some day. Is God even apart of your birth parents lives? Or at least someone in their extended family?
I still keep remembering that last night and morning with you. Holding you, playing with you, cuddling and kissing you knowing you would soon be ripped away from us all. Holding out until the very end for some miracle that would keep you from leaving us. The shock and pain of realizing that miracle was not coming, the confusion of not understanding why God, who brought you into our lives was now allowing you to be taken away.
The horrible pain of seeing your mommy and daddy so distraught and hurting when they put you into that van. Seeing you sleeping in your little car seat then hearing you cry when you woke up as they put you into the van. Not being able to just take you out to comfort and hold you. Knowing there was nothing I could do to ease the unbelievable pain your mommy and daddy were experiencing, feeling that pain myself.
Every day since then missing you, worrying about you, remembering how wonderful and how darn cute you are. Missing your smile and the warmth of your body as we would hold you. Wanting to hope for a miracle, but afraid to even consider the possibility, not wanting to continue to feel that initial loss all over again.
We all love you so much Kellen! No matter how much time may pass we will always love you, always consider you our Kellen. I can't help but hope some how you will remember the first five months of your life, knowing just how much you were cherished and loved by your first family. That maybe some day you find this blog and your mommy's blog and read about how much we love you and how much we all wanted and cherished you. And how devasted we all were at losing you.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Completely Confusing!
What a crazy and confusing five months it's been. I have tried to stop asking God why he allowed Kellen to be taken away, but I still constantly find myself saying when I pray, "Lord I just cannot believe you allowed this to happen".
I am trying to keep my focus on the positive things that have happened in the last few months, of course I see nothing positive in the situation with Kellen, so I have to look at other things.
The fact that Jason is still alive is a BIG positive and something to be thankful for. For all intents and purposes he basically drowned a few weeks ago. The kids all went on a cruise days after Kellen was taken from us. They had to get away and try not to think about what had just happened.
Jason and Sarah were snorkeling in the ocean by Grand Turk and Jason had a seizure. Thank God Sarah saw him because had she not he probably wouldn't be here. When they pulled him out of the water, he was not breathing and Sarah said he was literally blue, blood covering his face. It's a picture she cannot stop from seeing in her mind. They were finally able to resuscitate him, he had to be taken to the hospital on shore because he was not getting enough oxygen.
Sarah was not allowed to leave the ship because she didn't have a passport, so Matt accompanied Jason to the island. I felt so helpless when Sarah managed to call me. She was stuck on the ship, had not heard from Matt and was going to have to continue the rest of the cruise on her own, not even knowing for a little while if Jason was OK. She then had to figure out how to get everything off the ship and to the airport, not knowing when Matt and Jason would be able to come home.
Jason did not have a passport and that ended up being an issue when they released him from the hospital and he and Matt were trying to get back to the USA. But God worked all the details out and in the end they actually ended up landing in Indianapolis about the same time Sarah did so they were able to arrive at home together.
Matt and Jason both said God put people throughout the process into their path to help them get through the process. But for a little over a 24 hour period we were not sure what was going to happen and how they were going to make it home.
Another positive recently is my husband is finally starting to "get it" in regards to our relationship and his relationship with the Lord. I am seeing subtle yet very positive changes in attitude. He even wants to start praying together and spending time every night in the word. It's interesting that this just began to happen over the last week or so.
God also had a hand in the timing of that. Up until the last week I have not even been able to read the bible, opening it up seemed to instead of bringing comfort, brought more and more unanswered questions and frustration. Praying has been difficult because after Kellen was taken I began to feel like my prayers and my faith meant little.
I have always had faith and believed anything is possible. And from the day they found out Kellen's biological father was not dead and had contested the adoption, I stood my ground...telling everyone God would never allow Kellen to be taken away...it was NOT going to happen. And then....it did! I've said this before, but how do you reconcile what you have had faith and believed in so strongly only to have it proven to be a false hope?
I know it is because a whole lot of people are praying for all of us that I am becoming more able to get back into praying, not like I use to but at least it's a start. I still shy away from wanting to read the scriptures that say ask and it will be given or believe and it will happen. (Paraphrasing here). Because we stood on the word and the promises of God and believed them wholeheartedly and still my little Kissy Face is gone.
The kids were told there is a VERY slight chance they could get Kellen back, however Sarah and I both agree it's too painful to even hope for this. I know God is God and he can do absolutely anything he chooses to...the problem is not knowing if this is something he WILL do. I find myself only praying, as far as Kellen is concerned for God to protect him and keep him safe...even that is difficult because the situation my beautiful boy is in right now is not safe nor emotionally healthy for him. Which again raises the questions of why are you allowing this to happen God? It is just all so confusing.
I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and all things work together for good...however right now it is very difficult to see any reason for Kellen being taken or believing it will somehow work together for good.
I never thought anything could happen that would shake my faith the way this has, and the weird thing is I still know God is God, He CAN do anything because He is God! I still know Jesus died for me and is my Lord and Savior. It's the rest I am still struggling to find my way back into completely knowing like I once did and being able to see how God is working in every situation. I don't know if that makes sense but it's difficult to put into words. Good thing God knows my every thought and knows what I mean.
I am trying to keep my focus on the positive things that have happened in the last few months, of course I see nothing positive in the situation with Kellen, so I have to look at other things.
The fact that Jason is still alive is a BIG positive and something to be thankful for. For all intents and purposes he basically drowned a few weeks ago. The kids all went on a cruise days after Kellen was taken from us. They had to get away and try not to think about what had just happened.
Jason and Sarah were snorkeling in the ocean by Grand Turk and Jason had a seizure. Thank God Sarah saw him because had she not he probably wouldn't be here. When they pulled him out of the water, he was not breathing and Sarah said he was literally blue, blood covering his face. It's a picture she cannot stop from seeing in her mind. They were finally able to resuscitate him, he had to be taken to the hospital on shore because he was not getting enough oxygen.
Sarah was not allowed to leave the ship because she didn't have a passport, so Matt accompanied Jason to the island. I felt so helpless when Sarah managed to call me. She was stuck on the ship, had not heard from Matt and was going to have to continue the rest of the cruise on her own, not even knowing for a little while if Jason was OK. She then had to figure out how to get everything off the ship and to the airport, not knowing when Matt and Jason would be able to come home.
Jason did not have a passport and that ended up being an issue when they released him from the hospital and he and Matt were trying to get back to the USA. But God worked all the details out and in the end they actually ended up landing in Indianapolis about the same time Sarah did so they were able to arrive at home together.
Matt and Jason both said God put people throughout the process into their path to help them get through the process. But for a little over a 24 hour period we were not sure what was going to happen and how they were going to make it home.
Another positive recently is my husband is finally starting to "get it" in regards to our relationship and his relationship with the Lord. I am seeing subtle yet very positive changes in attitude. He even wants to start praying together and spending time every night in the word. It's interesting that this just began to happen over the last week or so.
God also had a hand in the timing of that. Up until the last week I have not even been able to read the bible, opening it up seemed to instead of bringing comfort, brought more and more unanswered questions and frustration. Praying has been difficult because after Kellen was taken I began to feel like my prayers and my faith meant little.
I have always had faith and believed anything is possible. And from the day they found out Kellen's biological father was not dead and had contested the adoption, I stood my ground...telling everyone God would never allow Kellen to be taken away...it was NOT going to happen. And then....it did! I've said this before, but how do you reconcile what you have had faith and believed in so strongly only to have it proven to be a false hope?
I know it is because a whole lot of people are praying for all of us that I am becoming more able to get back into praying, not like I use to but at least it's a start. I still shy away from wanting to read the scriptures that say ask and it will be given or believe and it will happen. (Paraphrasing here). Because we stood on the word and the promises of God and believed them wholeheartedly and still my little Kissy Face is gone.
The kids were told there is a VERY slight chance they could get Kellen back, however Sarah and I both agree it's too painful to even hope for this. I know God is God and he can do absolutely anything he chooses to...the problem is not knowing if this is something he WILL do. I find myself only praying, as far as Kellen is concerned for God to protect him and keep him safe...even that is difficult because the situation my beautiful boy is in right now is not safe nor emotionally healthy for him. Which again raises the questions of why are you allowing this to happen God? It is just all so confusing.
I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and all things work together for good...however right now it is very difficult to see any reason for Kellen being taken or believing it will somehow work together for good.
I never thought anything could happen that would shake my faith the way this has, and the weird thing is I still know God is God, He CAN do anything because He is God! I still know Jesus died for me and is my Lord and Savior. It's the rest I am still struggling to find my way back into completely knowing like I once did and being able to see how God is working in every situation. I don't know if that makes sense but it's difficult to put into words. Good thing God knows my every thought and knows what I mean.
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